National News
Construction Begins on Massive Wahlburgers at Mexican Border
January 20, 2017 – Following the inauguration of President Donald Trump, the signature promise of his campaign, to construct an enormous, 40-foot-high Wahlburgers restaurant on the Mexican-American border, is officially underway. Government contractors have suggested that the new location of the Boston burger joint will officially open by December, provided there is enough cheap labor.
January 20, 2017 – Following the inauguration of President Donald Trump, the signature promise of his campaign, to construct an enormous, 40-foot-high Wahlburgers restaurant on the Mexican-American border, is officially underway. Government contractors have suggested that the new location of the Boston burger joint will officially open by December, provided there is enough cheap labor.
Nation's Facts Currently Experiencing Identity Crisis
January 17, 2017 – According to an interview which aired Wednesday, in the week leading up to the inauguration of President-Elect Donald Trump, America's Factual Information, known to close friends as Facts, have begun suffering from a crisis of self, questioning their own existence, and the reality which they have created through verifiable study.
January 17, 2017 – According to an interview which aired Wednesday, in the week leading up to the inauguration of President-Elect Donald Trump, America's Factual Information, known to close friends as Facts, have begun suffering from a crisis of self, questioning their own existence, and the reality which they have created through verifiable study.
Ammon Bundy Calls Standing Rock to Congratulate Them on Their Totally Similar Victory
December 5, 2016 – Ammon Bundy, the leader of the Oregon militia who were legally exonerated after the armed takeover of a national wildlife refuge, reached out to congratulate David Archambault II and the other water protectors of the Standing Rock reservation who had staged a successful unarmed protest on their own lands, saying that this has been a great year for totally equivalent victories over the powers-that-be.
December 5, 2016 – Ammon Bundy, the leader of the Oregon militia who were legally exonerated after the armed takeover of a national wildlife refuge, reached out to congratulate David Archambault II and the other water protectors of the Standing Rock reservation who had staged a successful unarmed protest on their own lands, saying that this has been a great year for totally equivalent victories over the powers-that-be.
Nation's Cities Wake Up to Discover That There Is A “Middle” America
November 9, 2016 – Millions of city residents across the United States awoke Wednesday morning and confidently opened their laptops or iPhones to check their newsfeeds, only to learn for the first time of the existence of a previously unheard-of part of the country known as “middle America.”
November 9, 2016 – Millions of city residents across the United States awoke Wednesday morning and confidently opened their laptops or iPhones to check their newsfeeds, only to learn for the first time of the existence of a previously unheard-of part of the country known as “middle America.”
Nation Relishes Opportunity to Heap Scorn on Another Woman Whose Husband Cheated on Her
November 2, 2016 – In the wake of the FBI's announcement that new evidence in Hillary Clinton's email scandal has been seized from disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner's laptop by way of her top aide Huma Abedin, proponents and voters from both sides of the aisle are growing excited at this new opportunity to criticize and tear down yet another woman who was betrayed by her husband's penis.
November 2, 2016 – In the wake of the FBI's announcement that new evidence in Hillary Clinton's email scandal has been seized from disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner's laptop by way of her top aide Huma Abedin, proponents and voters from both sides of the aisle are growing excited at this new opportunity to criticize and tear down yet another woman who was betrayed by her husband's penis.
Bundy Brothers' Not Guilty Verdict Sets Important “Felony?” Precedent
October 28, 2016 – Thursday's acquittal of Ammon Bundy's seven-man militia group, who in January staged an armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a federal facility in rural Oregon, has set a vital legal precedent for future jurors who might wish to ask, “Well what is a felony though, really?”
October 28, 2016 – Thursday's acquittal of Ammon Bundy's seven-man militia group, who in January staged an armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a federal facility in rural Oregon, has set a vital legal precedent for future jurors who might wish to ask, “Well what is a felony though, really?”
Clinton Disappoints Skeptics at Debate by Not Unzipping to Reveal Bernie Sanders
October 11, 2016 – While some mainstream Democrats expressed disappointment that Sunday night's second Presidential debate tended more towards personal attacks than policy and substance, many more skeptics and dissenters in the party's liberal base were outraged that Hillary Clinton did not unzip her costume to reveal that she had been primary contender Bernie Sanders the entire time.
October 11, 2016 – While some mainstream Democrats expressed disappointment that Sunday night's second Presidential debate tended more towards personal attacks than policy and substance, many more skeptics and dissenters in the party's liberal base were outraged that Hillary Clinton did not unzip her costume to reveal that she had been primary contender Bernie Sanders the entire time.
Modern-Day Viking Presents Pillage-Based Energy Policy in First Presidential Debate
September 27, 2016 – In the course of last night's US presidential debate, many policies were disputed at length and in-depth, but perhaps no plan was more striking than that of self-professed billionaire and former Viking Radningar Donald Trump to employ a “pillage”-based energy acquisition policy, with regards to seizing foreign sources of oil in the name of America and Valhalla in the next life.
September 27, 2016 – In the course of last night's US presidential debate, many policies were disputed at length and in-depth, but perhaps no plan was more striking than that of self-professed billionaire and former Viking Radningar Donald Trump to employ a “pillage”-based energy acquisition policy, with regards to seizing foreign sources of oil in the name of America and Valhalla in the next life.
Nation Successfully Disproves Existence of Racial Tension by Losing Collective Shit Over Minor Criticism
September 5, 2016 – Proving definitively that there is no ideological divide between police and the minority communities they are tasked to serve, the United States has opted to lose its collective shit over San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick silently sitting down during the National Anthem.
September 5, 2016 – Proving definitively that there is no ideological divide between police and the minority communities they are tasked to serve, the United States has opted to lose its collective shit over San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick silently sitting down during the National Anthem.
New Texas-Approved History Textbook to Focus on Contributions of the Very Whitest Americans
August 30, 2016 – A newly released textbook from W. W. Norton & Company addresses concerns of the Texas Board of Education that American history is becoming dangerously “multicultural,” by focusing on the accomplishments and historical contributions of America's most Caucasian citizens, from President Andrew Jackson to Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
August 30, 2016 – A newly released textbook from W. W. Norton & Company addresses concerns of the Texas Board of Education that American history is becoming dangerously “multicultural,” by focusing on the accomplishments and historical contributions of America's most Caucasian citizens, from President Andrew Jackson to Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
Debbie Wasserman Shultz Named Head Chair of San Diego Comic Con
July 25, 2016 - In a move that surprised many critics, former Head of the Democratic National Convention Debbie Wasserman Shultz just announced her next gig: Head Chair of the 2017 San Diego Comic Convention. Shultz states that she will focus most of her energy at the convention on comic book movies, and making sure that each studio film receives balanced consideration.
July 25, 2016 - In a move that surprised many critics, former Head of the Democratic National Convention Debbie Wasserman Shultz just announced her next gig: Head Chair of the 2017 San Diego Comic Convention. Shultz states that she will focus most of her energy at the convention on comic book movies, and making sure that each studio film receives balanced consideration.
Mr. Potter, Yosemite Sam and Ogre Among the Remaining RNC Speakers
July 19, 2016 – Following a show-stopping rally cry by Rudy Giuliani, and a unique and creative speech about morals by Melania Trump as part of Monday's theme of “Make America Safe Again,” the Republican National Convention is picking up Tuesday where it left off.
July 19, 2016 – Following a show-stopping rally cry by Rudy Giuliani, and a unique and creative speech about morals by Melania Trump as part of Monday's theme of “Make America Safe Again,” the Republican National Convention is picking up Tuesday where it left off.
Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani Competing for Country's Biggest Dick to Earn Place as Trump's Secretary of State
July 15, 2016 – Adding some context to their recent remarks about Muslims and Black Lives Matter respectively, new information has revealed that former Speaker Newt Gingrich and former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani are engaged in a tight race to the bottom, which was prompted by Donald Trump secretly offering the cabinet position of Secretary of State to whoever can best imitate his horrifically dickish qualities.
July 15, 2016 – Adding some context to their recent remarks about Muslims and Black Lives Matter respectively, new information has revealed that former Speaker Newt Gingrich and former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani are engaged in a tight race to the bottom, which was prompted by Donald Trump secretly offering the cabinet position of Secretary of State to whoever can best imitate his horrifically dickish qualities.
Mattel Announces Release of New Gamergate Ken Doll
June 17, 2016 – Riding the positive feedback from social media for their newly released “Game Developer Barbie,” Mattel has fast-tracked the release of another doll that has been in the works for over a year: Gamergate Ken, complete with nerd glasses, #JournalisticIntegrity shirt, a hacked gaming laptop, and over twenty abusive online profiles.
June 17, 2016 – Riding the positive feedback from social media for their newly released “Game Developer Barbie,” Mattel has fast-tracked the release of another doll that has been in the works for over a year: Gamergate Ken, complete with nerd glasses, #JournalisticIntegrity shirt, a hacked gaming laptop, and over twenty abusive online profiles.
Brock Turner's Father: “If We Lightly Punish One Rapist for His Actions, Where Does It Stop?”
June 7, 2016 – As a follow-up to his heartfelt letter in which he states that his son should not have to pay the price of jail time for “20 minutes of action,” Dan A. Turner, father of the convicted rapist who only received a six month sentence with probation, has penned another plea to the public, that should we barely reprimand his son for his own conscious crimes, it may have dire implications for future generations of young rapists.
June 7, 2016 – As a follow-up to his heartfelt letter in which he states that his son should not have to pay the price of jail time for “20 minutes of action,” Dan A. Turner, father of the convicted rapist who only received a six month sentence with probation, has penned another plea to the public, that should we barely reprimand his son for his own conscious crimes, it may have dire implications for future generations of young rapists.
EA to Tailor Future Video Games to Exact Specifications of Fanbase's Most Committed Psychopaths
May 31, 2016 – Electronic Arts, one of the world's largest video game development and retail companies, recently stepped into the spotlight to assure its increasingly rabid online fanbase that all future EA properties would be designed to fit the precise vision of their most beloved, most vitriolic, and most threatening gamers.
May 31, 2016 – Electronic Arts, one of the world's largest video game development and retail companies, recently stepped into the spotlight to assure its increasingly rabid online fanbase that all future EA properties would be designed to fit the precise vision of their most beloved, most vitriolic, and most threatening gamers.
Nation's Delegates Gather in Secure Bunkers to Await the Passing of Impending Democracy
May 3, 2016 – With primaries almost over, and with both parties sporting candidates in dead heat races and heading towards extremely contentious party conventions, the country's delegates have retreated to secure bunkers underneath the Earth's surface, to protect themselves from the dangerous scourge of democracy that threatens to influence or undermine their appointed political powers.
May 3, 2016 – With primaries almost over, and with both parties sporting candidates in dead heat races and heading towards extremely contentious party conventions, the country's delegates have retreated to secure bunkers underneath the Earth's surface, to protect themselves from the dangerous scourge of democracy that threatens to influence or undermine their appointed political powers.
Nation's Independents Rally in DC to Celebrate the Victory of Whatever You Guys Are Into
April 19, 2016 – With the New York State primary signaling the last remaining weeks of the U.S. primary election season, America's registered independents have descended upon the National Mall to celebrate the anticipated victory of whoever and whatever it is that their peers have settled upon, and to look forward to a similarly indecisive general election.
April 19, 2016 – With the New York State primary signaling the last remaining weeks of the U.S. primary election season, America's registered independents have descended upon the National Mall to celebrate the anticipated victory of whoever and whatever it is that their peers have settled upon, and to look forward to a similarly indecisive general election.
Gondor Bans All Non-Essential Eagle Travel to North Carolina in Response to Anti-LGBTQ Bill
March 29, 2016 – After the North Carolina legislature passed a law which undoes and outright bans all non-discrimination ordinance for the LGBTQ community, businesses and neighboring state governments have kicked into action by pulling business out of NC and preventing further travel to it. Among those protesting the discrimination is the Middle Earth realm of Gondor, which has recently announced a full withdrawal of non-essential travel to North Carolina by way of mounted eagle.
March 29, 2016 – After the North Carolina legislature passed a law which undoes and outright bans all non-discrimination ordinance for the LGBTQ community, businesses and neighboring state governments have kicked into action by pulling business out of NC and preventing further travel to it. Among those protesting the discrimination is the Middle Earth realm of Gondor, which has recently announced a full withdrawal of non-essential travel to North Carolina by way of mounted eagle.
Damning New Leaked Emails Show Hillary Clinton Had Ties to Both Barack Obama and Bill Clinton
March 22, 2016 – Incriminating new emails have become available from WikiLeaks which show that current Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton may have had strategic dealings with both current president Barack Obama and previous Democratic president Bill Clinton of the United States, an allegation which has given some liberal voters pause.
March 22, 2016 – Incriminating new emails have become available from WikiLeaks which show that current Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton may have had strategic dealings with both current president Barack Obama and previous Democratic president Bill Clinton of the United States, an allegation which has given some liberal voters pause.
Trump to Supporters: “I Only Watch the First Six Seconds of YouTube Videos Because I Refuse to Be Rick Rolled”
March 15, 2016 – After insinuating that a rally protestor was a supporter of ISIS based on a doctored YouTube video, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump defended himself be saying he “only knows what's on the internet.” When asked to elaborate on Tuesday morning, Trump clarified that he only watches a few seconds of the videos he cites at rallies and debates because they provide adequate information at the top, and also due to a longstanding fear of being exposed to “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, commonly known as 'rick rolling.'
March 15, 2016 – After insinuating that a rally protestor was a supporter of ISIS based on a doctored YouTube video, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump defended himself be saying he “only knows what's on the internet.” When asked to elaborate on Tuesday morning, Trump clarified that he only watches a few seconds of the videos he cites at rallies and debates because they provide adequate information at the top, and also due to a longstanding fear of being exposed to “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, commonly known as 'rick rolling.'
Historic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Sets New Maximum Size at Which Women Can Be Considered Sexy
February 16, 2016 – On Monday, Sports Illustrated magazine unveiled its annual swimsuit issue, which featured three variant covers, including one presenting the publication's first ever plus-size model, Ashley Graham. The groundbreaking new societal standard set by SI means that any woman, up to or below a size 16, can now be considered bone-able.
February 16, 2016 – On Monday, Sports Illustrated magazine unveiled its annual swimsuit issue, which featured three variant covers, including one presenting the publication's first ever plus-size model, Ashley Graham. The groundbreaking new societal standard set by SI means that any woman, up to or below a size 16, can now be considered bone-able.
Congress Yells at Capitalism's Smirking Id for an Hour, Saves America Forever
February 5, 2016 – On Thursday, the United States Congress conducted a hearing designed to lambast and shame that which America hates, the grinning, emotionally detached id of free market economics, for a little less than an hour. Sources confirmed that, in doing so, Congress has solved all of capitalism's inherent issues and has made America safe until the end of time.
February 5, 2016 – On Thursday, the United States Congress conducted a hearing designed to lambast and shame that which America hates, the grinning, emotionally detached id of free market economics, for a little less than an hour. Sources confirmed that, in doing so, Congress has solved all of capitalism's inherent issues and has made America safe until the end of time.
Ted Cruz to New Hampshire: “Vote for Me or I Will Kiss Your Baby”
February 2, 2016 – Monday night saw Senator Ted Cruz win the Iowa caucus against a large crop of similarly likeable Republican opponents. With the New Hampshire primary set to take place next Tuesday, the currently leading candidate is making a promise to all conservative voters in the state, that should they forsake him, he will personally show up to their house and kiss their baby.
February 2, 2016 – Monday night saw Senator Ted Cruz win the Iowa caucus against a large crop of similarly likeable Republican opponents. With the New Hampshire primary set to take place next Tuesday, the currently leading candidate is making a promise to all conservative voters in the state, that should they forsake him, he will personally show up to their house and kiss their baby.
January 14th Coined National Wire Untangling Day
January 13, 2016 – Tech leaders and government officials have come together to announce the invention of a new holiday: as of this year, tomorrow, January 14, will be known as National Wire Untangling Day, a day in which families and roommates begrudgingly set aside time to unplug and separate all of the various electronic wiring that plagues their dens.
January 13, 2016 – Tech leaders and government officials have come together to announce the invention of a new holiday: as of this year, tomorrow, January 14, will be known as National Wire Untangling Day, a day in which families and roommates begrudgingly set aside time to unplug and separate all of the various electronic wiring that plagues their dens.
Powerball Lottery to Be Converted into Hunger Games-Style Free-for-All Deathmatch
January 12, 2016 – Saying that another failure to pick a winner for the largest jackpot in U.S. history would run the risk of making the lottery too dull, The Multi-State Lottery Association (MUSL) announced that, following Wednesday's drawing, the Powerball lottery would be converted into a country-wide “battle royale,” a la The Hunger Games.
January 12, 2016 – Saying that another failure to pick a winner for the largest jackpot in U.S. history would run the risk of making the lottery too dull, The Multi-State Lottery Association (MUSL) announced that, following Wednesday's drawing, the Powerball lottery would be converted into a country-wide “battle royale,” a la The Hunger Games.
Teary-Eyed Oregon Militiaman Forced to Eat His Own Beloved Gun for Sustenance
January 5, 2016 – The armed extremists who took over a federal building in Burns, Oregon in order to demand individual land rights recently discovered that they do not have enough food to hold their ground for long. The situation has become so dire that one militiaman, Darryl Pecktree, had to break, disassemble and devour his own beloved sidearm, an emotionally fraught experience.
January 5, 2016 – The armed extremists who took over a federal building in Burns, Oregon in order to demand individual land rights recently discovered that they do not have enough food to hold their ground for long. The situation has become so dire that one militiaman, Darryl Pecktree, had to break, disassemble and devour his own beloved sidearm, an emotionally fraught experience.
GOP Debate Tactics: Attacks & Rebuttals
December 15, 2015 - With the next major Republican debate taking place tonight in Las Vegas, we here at the Moonmont Chronicles are offering the following predictions regarding the political attacks many of the candidates should expect, as well as their potential rebuttals.
December 15, 2015 - With the next major Republican debate taking place tonight in Las Vegas, we here at the Moonmont Chronicles are offering the following predictions regarding the political attacks many of the candidates should expect, as well as their potential rebuttals.
Justice Scalia Incorporates “The Scalia School for Black Learnin'”, Provides Slow Education for African-American College Students
December 14, 2015 – Saying he may have discovered his true calling while hearing oral arguments during a vital affirmative action case, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has decided that, during the court's session break over next summer, he plans to establish, run, and help teach at “The Scalia School for Black Learnin'”, a self-named university for minority students requiring a “slower-track school” where they can “get their learn on.”
December 14, 2015 – Saying he may have discovered his true calling while hearing oral arguments during a vital affirmative action case, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has decided that, during the court's session break over next summer, he plans to establish, run, and help teach at “The Scalia School for Black Learnin'”, a self-named university for minority students requiring a “slower-track school” where they can “get their learn on.”
Senator Rubio Completes First Draft of Upcoming Post-Election “We Need to Win Back Women and Minorities” Speech
December 8, 2015 – In the wake of recent xenophobic remarks by major candidates, Senator and fellow presidential campaigner Marco Rubio has put the finishing touches on the first draft of the address he will inevitably be forced to give following the 2016 election, lamenting the Republican party's failure to court women and minorities and saying they need to do better in the future.
December 8, 2015 – In the wake of recent xenophobic remarks by major candidates, Senator and fellow presidential campaigner Marco Rubio has put the finishing touches on the first draft of the address he will inevitably be forced to give following the 2016 election, lamenting the Republican party's failure to court women and minorities and saying they need to do better in the future.
Despite Remarks About Gunmen, Republicans Still Lead Polls Among the Dangerously Mentally Ill
December 1, 2015 – Recent public polling shows that, in spite of routinely scapegoating and belittling their community in the wake of mass shootings and domestic terrorism, Republican presidential candidates such as Donald Trump and Ted Cruz still hold sway in America among the mentally ill and the criminally insane.
December 1, 2015 – Recent public polling shows that, in spite of routinely scapegoating and belittling their community in the wake of mass shootings and domestic terrorism, Republican presidential candidates such as Donald Trump and Ted Cruz still hold sway in America among the mentally ill and the criminally insane.
Republican Governors Say They Will Accept Refugees Who Are the Reincarnated Spirit of Steve Jobs
November 19, 2015 – Openly acknowledging for the first time that many inspirational Americans have descended from immigrants or were immigrants themselves, Republican governors have conceded that they would be willing to open their states up to any immigrant child who harbors the reincarnated soul of Silicon Valley mogul Steve Jobs.
November 19, 2015 – Openly acknowledging for the first time that many inspirational Americans have descended from immigrants or were immigrants themselves, Republican governors have conceded that they would be willing to open their states up to any immigrant child who harbors the reincarnated soul of Silicon Valley mogul Steve Jobs.
New Sci-Fi Novel Portrays Horrific Fictional Nation Where Everything is Split Between Two Parties
November 10, 2015 – A brand new young adult science fiction novel is already topping the New York Times bestseller chart: The Decision Delusion, a story about an absurd fictional country on Earth where every public policy and sentiment is split rigidly between two factions, and the citizens are forced against their better judgment to side with one or the other.
November 10, 2015 – A brand new young adult science fiction novel is already topping the New York Times bestseller chart: The Decision Delusion, a story about an absurd fictional country on Earth where every public policy and sentiment is split rigidly between two factions, and the citizens are forced against their better judgment to side with one or the other.
Nation's Most Progressive Dad Still Can't Understand Son's Desire to Be Lola Bunny for Halloween
October 30, 2015 – Despite a solid, never besmirched record of progressivism and acceptance, Sacramento father Marcus Leforge admitted Thursday that he cannot wrap his head around his 11-year-old son's desire to go trick-or-treating this weekend dressed as Lola Bunny, the anthropomorphic female rabbit from the animated film Space Jam.
October 30, 2015 – Despite a solid, never besmirched record of progressivism and acceptance, Sacramento father Marcus Leforge admitted Thursday that he cannot wrap his head around his 11-year-old son's desire to go trick-or-treating this weekend dressed as Lola Bunny, the anthropomorphic female rabbit from the animated film Space Jam.
Trump Presidential Campaign Discovered to Be Lame M. Night Shyamalan Plot Twist
October 27, 2015 – New details brought to light about the campaign to elect Donald Trump for president, a campaign largely defined by gaffes, bigotry and childishness, have revealed that its very existence is an elaborate twist put in place by the acclaimed director of The Sixth Sense and The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan.
October 27, 2015 – New details brought to light about the campaign to elect Donald Trump for president, a campaign largely defined by gaffes, bigotry and childishness, have revealed that its very existence is an elaborate twist put in place by the acclaimed director of The Sixth Sense and The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan.
Ben Carson Says America Could Have Been Avoided if the Indians had Been Armed
October 12, 2015 – Quintupling down on his controversial remarks in the wake of the Oregon school shooting, neurosurgeon and presidential candidate Ben Carson stated in an interview that the genocide of the Native Americans, and the subsequent formation of the United States of America, could have been prevented if the Indian tribes had had guns.
October 12, 2015 – Quintupling down on his controversial remarks in the wake of the Oregon school shooting, neurosurgeon and presidential candidate Ben Carson stated in an interview that the genocide of the Native Americans, and the subsequent formation of the United States of America, could have been prevented if the Indian tribes had had guns.
Donald Trump Enrages Supporters, Says Favorite Movie is Tree of Life
October 7, 2015 - Donald Trump is under fire this week after a recent newspaper profile revealed an uncharacteristic appreciation for high art. The profile, intended to be a shallow puff piece, asked Trump about his favorite things, including food (American pizza wrapped in bacon from Jean Georges in Trump Tower), song (The original Monday Night Football theme by Hank Williams Jr.), and celebrity crush (was Blake Lively until she was sullied with pregnancy by that Canadian illegal immigrant Ryan Reynolds).
October 7, 2015 - Donald Trump is under fire this week after a recent newspaper profile revealed an uncharacteristic appreciation for high art. The profile, intended to be a shallow puff piece, asked Trump about his favorite things, including food (American pizza wrapped in bacon from Jean Georges in Trump Tower), song (The original Monday Night Football theme by Hank Williams Jr.), and celebrity crush (was Blake Lively until she was sullied with pregnancy by that Canadian illegal immigrant Ryan Reynolds).
Popular New Legislation Would Make it Legal for Women, and Only Women, to Own Guns
October 5, 2015 – There is soaring congressional approval and public support for a new bill that would divert custody of all household firearms to resident females across the United States, and would prevent new weapons from being sold to anyone without two X chromosomes from now on.
October 5, 2015 – There is soaring congressional approval and public support for a new bill that would divert custody of all household firearms to resident females across the United States, and would prevent new weapons from being sold to anyone without two X chromosomes from now on.
U.S. Budget Analysis: No Money Used Towards Abortions, Billions Given To Legion of Doom Headquarters
September 30, 2015 - Under extreme pressure from Congressional conservatives, a special investigative task force was formed to examine the United States' annual budget to see if any government funds were used to perform abortions. "I know it's technically our job to know what goes into the budget before we vote on it, but I enjoy yelling and taking naps far more," said an unnamed Arkansas Representative.
September 30, 2015 - Under extreme pressure from Congressional conservatives, a special investigative task force was formed to examine the United States' annual budget to see if any government funds were used to perform abortions. "I know it's technically our job to know what goes into the budget before we vote on it, but I enjoy yelling and taking naps far more," said an unnamed Arkansas Representative.
Cutting Funding for Planned Parenthood Way More Important than Reining in Drug Patents, Say Nation's Assholes
September 29, 2015 – It was confirmed this week that eliminating public funds for the reproductive health organization Planned Parenthood is a far more pressing concern than the rampant abuse and profiteering that occurs in the drug market, according to the nation's assholes, charlatans and pricks.
September 29, 2015 – It was confirmed this week that eliminating public funds for the reproductive health organization Planned Parenthood is a far more pressing concern than the rampant abuse and profiteering that occurs in the drug market, according to the nation's assholes, charlatans and pricks.
Third Grader Who Processed Plutonium in His Bathtub for Show-and-Tell Suddenly Really Glad He's White
September 16, 2015 – Martin Alabaster, a student in San Antonio, was excited today to show his third grade teacher and classmates how he'd successfully transformed his home bathtub into a low-level nuclear reactor and used it to create the explosive element plutonium. When he saw the news this morning of a Muslim boy's arrest in Irving for making a simple clock, he was immediately thankful to be completely and recognizably white.
September 16, 2015 – Martin Alabaster, a student in San Antonio, was excited today to show his third grade teacher and classmates how he'd successfully transformed his home bathtub into a low-level nuclear reactor and used it to create the explosive element plutonium. When he saw the news this morning of a Muslim boy's arrest in Irving for making a simple clock, he was immediately thankful to be completely and recognizably white.
Trump Team Unveils new “Republican Wrecking Ball” Campaign Graphic
September 10, 2015 - The Trump campaign released a new ad today using modified video images and lyrics from the 2013 Miley Cyrus hit “Wrecking Ball,” building on Trump’s status as a Washington outsider and a purportedly strong visionary capitalist, as well as his no-holds-barred approach to a much-needed change in governance.
September 10, 2015 - The Trump campaign released a new ad today using modified video images and lyrics from the 2013 Miley Cyrus hit “Wrecking Ball,” building on Trump’s status as a Washington outsider and a purportedly strong visionary capitalist, as well as his no-holds-barred approach to a much-needed change in governance.
Donald Trump Announces Comprehensive Border Wall and Casino Platform
September 8, 2015 – Earlier this week, Donald Trump released more details about his comprehensive immigration plan. In particular, he provided specifics about building a border wall that would include a series of classy entrepreneurial and gambling opportunities benefiting both the United States and Mexico.
September 8, 2015 – Earlier this week, Donald Trump released more details about his comprehensive immigration plan. In particular, he provided specifics about building a border wall that would include a series of classy entrepreneurial and gambling opportunities benefiting both the United States and Mexico.
Analysts Worry Overcrowded Prisons Might Just Churn Out More Bigoted County Clerks
September 4, 2015 – With Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis sentenced to remain in jail for as long as her government office refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, prison system analysts are now concerned that this growing incarceration trend could simply lead to more prejudiced county clerks out on the streets in the long run.
September 4, 2015 – With Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis sentenced to remain in jail for as long as her government office refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, prison system analysts are now concerned that this growing incarceration trend could simply lead to more prejudiced county clerks out on the streets in the long run.
Sears Courts Family Values Shoppers by Labeling Toy Aisles with Proper Genitalia
August 25, 2015 – In response to the conservative family backlash against Target's decision to remove gender distinctions from their toy aisles, Sears corporate execs have implemented a new policy to court these dejected old-fashioned parents: all toy aisles in Sears stores nationwide now feature an anatomically correct silhouette of whichever set of genitals a child should have before perusing that selection of playthings.
August 25, 2015 – In response to the conservative family backlash against Target's decision to remove gender distinctions from their toy aisles, Sears corporate execs have implemented a new policy to court these dejected old-fashioned parents: all toy aisles in Sears stores nationwide now feature an anatomically correct silhouette of whichever set of genitals a child should have before perusing that selection of playthings.
CNN Employs Jedi Mind Trick to Soothe Voters: “This is Not the Candidate You're Looking For”
August 18, 2015 - Traditional news media has made a strong effort in the past months to ignore the massive rallies drawing enthusiastic supporters of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. Finally deciding that not reporting on these events and sidestepping his strong progressive record was not enough, CNN has employed a resident Jedi Master to wipe viewers' memories.
August 18, 2015 - Traditional news media has made a strong effort in the past months to ignore the massive rallies drawing enthusiastic supporters of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. Finally deciding that not reporting on these events and sidestepping his strong progressive record was not enough, CNN has employed a resident Jedi Master to wipe viewers' memories.
Potent New Drug Makes Users Hallucinate It's the 90s and Pogs Are Still Cool
August 14, 2015 – The DEA has reported that a powerful new street drug has propagated amongst young professionals, interns, and grad students. The drug, bearing the street name “Remember?”, is a powerful hallucinogen that specifically causes millenials to think it's the 90s again, and that things like Pogs, Super Soakers, and Britney Spears songs are awesome.
August 14, 2015 – The DEA has reported that a powerful new street drug has propagated amongst young professionals, interns, and grad students. The drug, bearing the street name “Remember?”, is a powerful hallucinogen that specifically causes millenials to think it's the 90s again, and that things like Pogs, Super Soakers, and Britney Spears songs are awesome.
Study: Suddenly Remembering To Put on Seat Belt in Traffic Second Leading Cause of Car Accidents
August 12, 2015 - Though countless injuries have been prevented because of seat belts, a recent study indicates that the supposed safety device may be responsible for a number of accidents as well. Research sponsored by the Coalition of Awesome Cars (CAC) found that 15 percent of automobile accidents can be attributed to drivers remembering and attempting to put on their seat belt while driving, just ten percent below the leading cause: driving like an asshole.
August 12, 2015 - Though countless injuries have been prevented because of seat belts, a recent study indicates that the supposed safety device may be responsible for a number of accidents as well. Research sponsored by the Coalition of Awesome Cars (CAC) found that 15 percent of automobile accidents can be attributed to drivers remembering and attempting to put on their seat belt while driving, just ten percent below the leading cause: driving like an asshole.
Mike Huckabee Clarifies Statement: “You Don't Understand, I Was Referencing the Holocaust for Political Gain”
July 29, 2015 – Last weekend, long-time presidential candidate Mike Huckabee stated in an interview that, by trusting the Iranians with the new nuclear deal, President Obama “will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.” Mainstream and social media flew into a frenzy, until Monday, when Huckabee appeared before the press to clear up any misunderstanding of his words.
July 29, 2015 – Last weekend, long-time presidential candidate Mike Huckabee stated in an interview that, by trusting the Iranians with the new nuclear deal, President Obama “will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.” Mainstream and social media flew into a frenzy, until Monday, when Huckabee appeared before the press to clear up any misunderstanding of his words.
Robin Thicke Forfeits Pursuit of Ex-Wife Paula Patton, Announces Engagement to Paula Poundstone
July 20, 2015 – Singer-songwriter Robin Thicke, who recently came to terms with the inappropriateness of his public appeals to his ex-wife actress Paula Patton, announced Monday that, as a means of moving past his obsession, he would instead be marrying comedian Paula Poundstone next spring.
July 20, 2015 – Singer-songwriter Robin Thicke, who recently came to terms with the inappropriateness of his public appeals to his ex-wife actress Paula Patton, announced Monday that, as a means of moving past his obsession, he would instead be marrying comedian Paula Poundstone next spring.
Study: Americans 50% More Likely To Accept Feminism When Combined With Patriotic Victory
July 16, 2015 - In a recent study conducted at the Harvard School of Psychology, in correlation with the Women's World Cup, researchers found that Americans were 50 percent more likely to embrace feminist values when patriotic victory is involved.
July 16, 2015 - In a recent study conducted at the Harvard School of Psychology, in correlation with the Women's World Cup, researchers found that Americans were 50 percent more likely to embrace feminist values when patriotic victory is involved.
Treasury Official: Andrew Jackson Will Remain on Twenty To “Fuck with his Ghost”
July 3, 2015 - In an unprecedented move, the U.S. Department of the Treasury announced that the ten dollar bill would be replacing Alexander Hamilton with an important female figure. Though critics have noted that this doesn’t make logical sense when considering Alexander Hamilton’s importance to the Treasury, and the fact that Andrew Jackson didn’t believe in the Treasury or paper money, Treasury official Dallas Holsthorpe says a much more emotional reason guided the Treasury’s currency decision.
July 3, 2015 - In an unprecedented move, the U.S. Department of the Treasury announced that the ten dollar bill would be replacing Alexander Hamilton with an important female figure. Though critics have noted that this doesn’t make logical sense when considering Alexander Hamilton’s importance to the Treasury, and the fact that Andrew Jackson didn’t believe in the Treasury or paper money, Treasury official Dallas Holsthorpe says a much more emotional reason guided the Treasury’s currency decision.
Anti-Gay Marriage Blogger Lambasts Social Media Criticism: “This Is Who I Am”
July 1, 2015 - Social media activist and renowned ranter Jeff Thompson got a rude awakening on Friday, June 26 with a landmark ruling by the Supreme Court, where Jeff’s personal cause suffered a legal defeat. But the real damage came via social media.
July 1, 2015 - Social media activist and renowned ranter Jeff Thompson got a rude awakening on Friday, June 26 with a landmark ruling by the Supreme Court, where Jeff’s personal cause suffered a legal defeat. But the real damage came via social media.
'Nice Boy Mom Would Approve of' Fetish Springs Up Overnight in the Gay Community
June 30, 2015 – Out of nowhere and seemingly without warning last Friday night, a new sexual quirk became highly desirable in the American gay community: smart, well-dressed, and gainfully employed men who would be well liked by Mother, in the event of a family introduction.
June 30, 2015 – Out of nowhere and seemingly without warning last Friday night, a new sexual quirk became highly desirable in the American gay community: smart, well-dressed, and gainfully employed men who would be well liked by Mother, in the event of a family introduction.
Mass Shootings Raise Call to Get Guns in the Hands of Nice Young Boys Who Will Only Use Them for Good
June 18, 2015 – In the wake of various mass shootings, most recently the attack on a historic Charleston church which claimed nine lives, Americans are uniting behind an effective policy of arming promising young white males with the lethal tools they need to only shoot the bad guys, hopefully.
June 18, 2015 – In the wake of various mass shootings, most recently the attack on a historic Charleston church which claimed nine lives, Americans are uniting behind an effective policy of arming promising young white males with the lethal tools they need to only shoot the bad guys, hopefully.
American Pharoah Wins Triple Crown, Hearts, and… Presidency?
June 9, 2015 - Becoming a household name after last Saturday’s historic win at the Belmont Stakes, claiming the first Triple Crown in 37 years, American Pharoah has surprisingly taken the lead in another race: the race for the GOP candidacy. Reuters polls show Pharoah at a 43% favorable rating, ahead of other favorites such as Rubio, Bush, Santorum and Cruz in an already overcrowded field.
June 9, 2015 - Becoming a household name after last Saturday’s historic win at the Belmont Stakes, claiming the first Triple Crown in 37 years, American Pharoah has surprisingly taken the lead in another race: the race for the GOP candidacy. Reuters polls show Pharoah at a 43% favorable rating, ahead of other favorites such as Rubio, Bush, Santorum and Cruz in an already overcrowded field.
Cynical Pundits Question Whether Entertainment Weekly Used Photoshop to Make Chris Pratt Appear Sexy
June 8, 2015 – The mainstream media has been abuzz this past week with the controversy over Entertainment Weekly's cover featuring a sexy Chris Pratt emerging from the water. Pratt, a widely accepted hunk, was previously regarded as a slightly obese character actor intended solely for comic relief, and many old-fashioned pundits feel that because he was born this way, he should have remained as such.
June 8, 2015 – The mainstream media has been abuzz this past week with the controversy over Entertainment Weekly's cover featuring a sexy Chris Pratt emerging from the water. Pratt, a widely accepted hunk, was previously regarded as a slightly obese character actor intended solely for comic relief, and many old-fashioned pundits feel that because he was born this way, he should have remained as such.
Memorial Day BBQ Capped Off With the Ceremonial Unnecessary War Raffle
May 26, 2015 – Memorial Day, a solemn American holiday honoring fallen veterans usually celebrated with barbecues and general drunkenness, was brought to a close in the White House screening room yesterday with the 61st Annual Unnecessary War Raffle, a drawing that determines which lucky country will be the target of our nation's next wholly avoidable military quagmire.
May 26, 2015 – Memorial Day, a solemn American holiday honoring fallen veterans usually celebrated with barbecues and general drunkenness, was brought to a close in the White House screening room yesterday with the 61st Annual Unnecessary War Raffle, a drawing that determines which lucky country will be the target of our nation's next wholly avoidable military quagmire.
Innovative Gun Shows Market Illegal Heavy Weapons Directly to Local Police Departments
May 19, 2015 – With new federal restrictions placed on the transfer of military equipment to domestic law enforcement, American police forces are seeking other means of obtaining weapons and vehicles designed for use in a warzone. In response, private gun shows have taken the opportunity to remind the cops that, thanks to the feds, they can get away with selling just about anything.
May 19, 2015 – With new federal restrictions placed on the transfer of military equipment to domestic law enforcement, American police forces are seeking other means of obtaining weapons and vehicles designed for use in a warzone. In response, private gun shows have taken the opportunity to remind the cops that, thanks to the feds, they can get away with selling just about anything.
Candidates Promise to Keep USA Greatest Nation on Earth at Being 31st in Math & Science
May 12, 2015 – With the US presidential election just several months around the corner, both Democrat and Republican candidates are making strong campaign promises. Chief among the claims is that, as president, each candidate would ensure that the United States remains the greatest nation in the world at being ranked 27th in science and 35th in math.
May 12, 2015 – With the US presidential election just several months around the corner, both Democrat and Republican candidates are making strong campaign promises. Chief among the claims is that, as president, each candidate would ensure that the United States remains the greatest nation in the world at being ranked 27th in science and 35th in math.
Marvel Promises 87th Age of Ultron Trailer Will Complete the Film So You Don't Have to See It
April 24, 2015 – With the film's US release just a week away, Marvel Studios has promised fans that the 87th and final trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron will feature all remaining footage that has not been spoiled by the previous 86 trailers, allowing viewers to piece together the full 2 hours and 20 minutes without the hassle of going to the movie theater.
April 24, 2015 – With the film's US release just a week away, Marvel Studios has promised fans that the 87th and final trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron will feature all remaining footage that has not been spoiled by the previous 86 trailers, allowing viewers to piece together the full 2 hours and 20 minutes without the hassle of going to the movie theater.
Analysts Shocked Aaron Hernandez Not Rehabilitated by Wealth, Violent Sports, or Healthy Gun Ownership
April 16, 2015 – After former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was convicted of first-degree murder on Wednesday, sports and legal analysts in the media came forward to express their shock that his aggressive behavior was not improved by a healthy combination of sudden wealth, a career in full-contact sports, and easy access to firearms, all considered cornerstones of a well-adjusted American male.
April 16, 2015 – After former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was convicted of first-degree murder on Wednesday, sports and legal analysts in the media came forward to express their shock that his aggressive behavior was not improved by a healthy combination of sudden wealth, a career in full-contact sports, and easy access to firearms, all considered cornerstones of a well-adjusted American male.
Hillary Clinton Shocks Nation by Spoiling Game of Thrones Hours Before Premiere
April 13, 2015 – Advertising throughout the previous week that she would be making a major announcement on her website, former Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent shockwaves through the political world with a video in which she totally ruined the plot of Sunday night's Game of Thrones.
April 13, 2015 – Advertising throughout the previous week that she would be making a major announcement on her website, former Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent shockwaves through the political world with a video in which she totally ruined the plot of Sunday night's Game of Thrones.
Governor Mike Pence Scraps RFRA After Being Visited in the Night by Three Ghosts of Gay Pride
March 30, 2015 – Despite standing firm against civil rights groups, threats to state business, and wide media criticism, Indiana Governor Mike Pence has officially rescinded his support of Senate Enrolled Act 101, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, after an eye-opening spiritual journey guided by the “ Ghosts of Gay Pride,” an event he insists was strictly platonic.
March 30, 2015 – Despite standing firm against civil rights groups, threats to state business, and wide media criticism, Indiana Governor Mike Pence has officially rescinded his support of Senate Enrolled Act 101, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, after an eye-opening spiritual journey guided by the “ Ghosts of Gay Pride,” an event he insists was strictly platonic.
Ultrasound Shows Healthy Baby, Three Cylon Ships Approaching from the Nebula
March 12, 2015 – A prenatal ultrasound test performed on Louisville's Jamilla Warner early Thursday showed all the signs of a healthy, five-month-old fetus, as well as a small squadron of Cylon raiders on swift approach to the Battlestar from a nearby nebula.
March 12, 2015 – A prenatal ultrasound test performed on Louisville's Jamilla Warner early Thursday showed all the signs of a healthy, five-month-old fetus, as well as a small squadron of Cylon raiders on swift approach to the Battlestar from a nearby nebula.
Americans Fear Constant Surveillance Will Make It Harder to Be Kind of an Asshole
March 6, 2015 – As law enforcement and security technology both advance, most Americans admit to feeling safer. But while they agree that the most egregious legal offenders should be held accountable for their actions, they fear that constant surveillance both online and in the world might also challenge their ability to behave like petty, rude, tone-deaf assholes.
March 6, 2015 – As law enforcement and security technology both advance, most Americans admit to feeling safer. But while they agree that the most egregious legal offenders should be held accountable for their actions, they fear that constant surveillance both online and in the world might also challenge their ability to behave like petty, rude, tone-deaf assholes.
Cobra Commander Captured California While America Fought Over a Dress
February 27, 2015 - Evil won last night. You won't hear about it anywhere but here, because the victor was swift, deadly, and most of all, knew how to take advantage of an opportunity. Who was this victor? None other than Cobra Commander.
February 27, 2015 - Evil won last night. You won't hear about it anywhere but here, because the victor was swift, deadly, and most of all, knew how to take advantage of an opportunity. Who was this victor? None other than Cobra Commander.
Fifty Shades Screenings Provide Special Glasses to Turn Mr. Grey Into Your Ideal Man
February 13, 2015 – The movie adaptation of E.L. James' sado-masochistic romance novel Fifty Shades of Grey had its wide release today, and many female readers are skeptical of actor Jamie Dornan's ability to evoke the raw sexual potency of the book's eponymous character. Thankfully for them, special screenings of the film will provide viewers with unique specs that transform the leading man into their ultimate object of dark desire.
February 13, 2015 – The movie adaptation of E.L. James' sado-masochistic romance novel Fifty Shades of Grey had its wide release today, and many female readers are skeptical of actor Jamie Dornan's ability to evoke the raw sexual potency of the book's eponymous character. Thankfully for them, special screenings of the film will provide viewers with unique specs that transform the leading man into their ultimate object of dark desire.
Super Bowl Commercial Says Buy a Honda Because Everyone You Love Will Die Someday
February 2, 2015 – In keeping with the more serious and meaningful tone set by many of the commercials aired during Super Bowl XLIX, the ad for the 2015 Honda Civic Tourer emphasized the existential value of a sleek, aerodynamic new vehicle in a world where you and everyone you ever cared about will one day cease to be.
February 2, 2015 – In keeping with the more serious and meaningful tone set by many of the commercials aired during Super Bowl XLIX, the ad for the 2015 Honda Civic Tourer emphasized the existential value of a sleek, aerodynamic new vehicle in a world where you and everyone you ever cared about will one day cease to be.
Watergate Hotel Files Copyright on All Scandals Ending in -Gate
January 30, 2015 – Euro Watergate Hotel, the holding company currently claiming ownership of the historic Watergate complex, have officially filed a copyright, the terms of which grant them sole ownership of not just the name “Watergate” and its related scandal, but of all scandals ending with the suffix -gate invented by the media between 1972 and today.
January 30, 2015 – Euro Watergate Hotel, the holding company currently claiming ownership of the historic Watergate complex, have officially filed a copyright, the terms of which grant them sole ownership of not just the name “Watergate” and its related scandal, but of all scandals ending with the suffix -gate invented by the media between 1972 and today.
Man Has Sneaking Suspicion There Are No Hot Singles Waiting to Meet in His Area
January 29, 2015 - It started innocently, when Zachary Armen of New Haven, Connecticut logged onto Facebook to check up on his Dr. Who cosplay group. There, on his news feed, was a very familiar ad: hot singles in Zach’s area were waiting to meet him! Excited by the prospect (and the picture) of a potential life partner, Armen clicked the link.
January 29, 2015 - It started innocently, when Zachary Armen of New Haven, Connecticut logged onto Facebook to check up on his Dr. Who cosplay group. There, on his news feed, was a very familiar ad: hot singles in Zach’s area were waiting to meet him! Excited by the prospect (and the picture) of a potential life partner, Armen clicked the link.
Obama's 2015 STFU Address Reaches Across the Aisle to Tell Opponents Where They Can Stick It
January 22, 2015 – Last night, President Obama delivered his annual Shut the Fuck Up address to members of Congress from both parties. The speech, which ran at a tight 3 ½ hours, affirmed the strength of the president's hatred towards the increasingly conservative legislative body, and consisted largely of clever snaps and passive-aggressive bitchiness that he'd been dying to get off his chest.
January 22, 2015 – Last night, President Obama delivered his annual Shut the Fuck Up address to members of Congress from both parties. The speech, which ran at a tight 3 ½ hours, affirmed the strength of the president's hatred towards the increasingly conservative legislative body, and consisted largely of clever snaps and passive-aggressive bitchiness that he'd been dying to get off his chest.
“Elizabeth Warren Would Make a Great President,” Says Man Who Will Not Vote
January 19, 2015 - A Midwestern man endorsed Elizabeth Warren for president earlier today, local sources say. Citing how ironic it is that “a female Dem has the biggest balls” and describing her as “a liberal’s liberal,” Chicago native Derrick Fancy pledged his full support towards Warren for an election in which he will not participate.
January 19, 2015 - A Midwestern man endorsed Elizabeth Warren for president earlier today, local sources say. Citing how ironic it is that “a female Dem has the biggest balls” and describing her as “a liberal’s liberal,” Chicago native Derrick Fancy pledged his full support towards Warren for an election in which he will not participate.
Lord Xenu Totally Stoked for People to Start Killing in His Name
January 12, 2015 – Former intergalactic ruler Xenu, currently incarcerated within an unnamed mountain by an eternally powered force field, has observed humanity from his prison for thousands of years, and now admits his excitement at the idea of a handful of his thetan-ridden worshippers causing murder and destruction under the false guise of Scientology.
January 12, 2015 – Former intergalactic ruler Xenu, currently incarcerated within an unnamed mountain by an eternally powered force field, has observed humanity from his prison for thousands of years, and now admits his excitement at the idea of a handful of his thetan-ridden worshippers causing murder and destruction under the false guise of Scientology.
Internet Can't Wait to Find Out 2 Broke Girls Stars' Opinions on Stem Cell Research
January 7, 2015 – With the controversial views held by not just one, but now two actresses from The Big Bang Theory swirling around cyberspace, the internet is chomping at the bit for more dividing political statements from career performers. Thankfully, Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs of 2 Broke Girls have stepped forward to share their expert opinions on embryonic stem cell research.
January 7, 2015 – With the controversial views held by not just one, but now two actresses from The Big Bang Theory swirling around cyberspace, the internet is chomping at the bit for more dividing political statements from career performers. Thankfully, Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs of 2 Broke Girls have stepped forward to share their expert opinions on embryonic stem cell research.
United States at Long Last Normalizes Relations with Cuba Gooding Jr.
December 17, 2014 – After over a decade of what could generously be described as frosty diplomatic relations, President Obama has announced that 2015 will be the year that America “cuts loose the shackles of the past,” and re-establishes ties with 46-year-old actor Cuba Gooding Jr., best known for Jerry Maguire as well as the international Radio disaster.
December 17, 2014 – After over a decade of what could generously be described as frosty diplomatic relations, President Obama has announced that 2015 will be the year that America “cuts loose the shackles of the past,” and re-establishes ties with 46-year-old actor Cuba Gooding Jr., best known for Jerry Maguire as well as the international Radio disaster.
Informal Study Proves Shitting on Rolling Stone Way More Fun than Addressing Rape
December 9, 2014 – Early research by the Berkeley Media Studies Group seems to prove that, following an isolated incident of shoddy journalism regarding campus sexual assault, fellow journalists gain intense satisfaction from kicking Rolling Stone magazine while it's down, as opposed to grappling with the much more depressing topic of actual college rape.
December 9, 2014 – Early research by the Berkeley Media Studies Group seems to prove that, following an isolated incident of shoddy journalism regarding campus sexual assault, fellow journalists gain intense satisfaction from kicking Rolling Stone magazine while it's down, as opposed to grappling with the much more depressing topic of actual college rape.
Grand Jury Chooses Not to Indict Ham Sandwich that Shot and Killed an Unarmed Black Man
November 25, 2014 – Despite statistical analysis pointing to an indictment, a grand jury in Key West, Florida has declined to file criminal charges against an artisanal ham sandwich that, according to a police report and several eyewitnesses, shot and killed an unarmed black man last August. Legal experts were quick to point out that, were it not for the sandwich's cozy relationship with local law enforcement, it would have almost certainly gone to trial.
November 25, 2014 – Despite statistical analysis pointing to an indictment, a grand jury in Key West, Florida has declined to file criminal charges against an artisanal ham sandwich that, according to a police report and several eyewitnesses, shot and killed an unarmed black man last August. Legal experts were quick to point out that, were it not for the sandwich's cozy relationship with local law enforcement, it would have almost certainly gone to trial.
Police Advise Black Youth to Dress Ironically to Avoid Trouble
November 24, 2014 – In a public safety measure designed to square the disproportionate targeting by law enforcement of black youth with their innate scariness, the National Association of Police Organizations (NAPO) has released a radio advisory, stating that young black males in particular should always dress in an ironic, bold fashion to avoid harassment.
November 24, 2014 – In a public safety measure designed to square the disproportionate targeting by law enforcement of black youth with their innate scariness, the National Association of Police Organizations (NAPO) has released a radio advisory, stating that young black males in particular should always dress in an ironic, bold fashion to avoid harassment.
TV Land to Digitally Replace Bill Cosby with Wendell Pierce in Reruns of The Cosby Show
November 21, 2014 – The backlash regarding legendary comedian Bill Cosby's rape allegations continues, now with reruns of The Cosby Show being pulled from TV Land's roster. On Friday, the station's representatives confirmed that it is not their intent to remove the program permanently, but instead, for sensitivity reasons, to digitally replace every image of Cosby with veteran actor of The Wire and Image Award winner Wendell Pierce, before re-releasing it to the public.
November 21, 2014 – The backlash regarding legendary comedian Bill Cosby's rape allegations continues, now with reruns of The Cosby Show being pulled from TV Land's roster. On Friday, the station's representatives confirmed that it is not their intent to remove the program permanently, but instead, for sensitivity reasons, to digitally replace every image of Cosby with veteran actor of The Wire and Image Award winner Wendell Pierce, before re-releasing it to the public.
Man Who Did Not Vote on Where to Eat Will Not Stop Complaining About the Food
November 11, 2014 – Whining that the décor is really ugly and that there's way too much salt in everything, Des Moines resident Burt Falwell, 38, who abstained from selecting the dinner venue for himself and his four friends, simply will not stop complaining about the food at the local Olive Garden.
November 11, 2014 – Whining that the décor is really ugly and that there's way too much salt in everything, Des Moines resident Burt Falwell, 38, who abstained from selecting the dinner venue for himself and his four friends, simply will not stop complaining about the food at the local Olive Garden.
Majority of Americans Elect to Stay Home Tuesday, Draft Fantasy Congress
November 4, 2014 – Saying that getting out to the polls required far too much effort and physical exertion for something so unrewarding, the majority of the voting public of the United States opted to stay at home on Tuesday, so that they might meticulously choose their favorite elected officials to represent their “Fantasy Congress” against rival, politically opposed Congresses.
November 4, 2014 – Saying that getting out to the polls required far too much effort and physical exertion for something so unrewarding, the majority of the voting public of the United States opted to stay at home on Tuesday, so that they might meticulously choose their favorite elected officials to represent their “Fantasy Congress” against rival, politically opposed Congresses.
Desperate Democrats Set Up Kissing Booth to Score Last-Minute Funds
October 28, 2014 – Confessing that their celebrity fundraisers and increasingly despairing e-mail blasts simply had not sufficed to seal the deal next week, Democratic candidates for Senate opted Tuesday to erect a kissing booth on the Capitol Hill lawn. In exchange for the promise of your vote on November 4th, and just 50 cents going towards national Senate campaigns, you can now get to first base with the favored candidate of your choosing.
October 28, 2014 – Confessing that their celebrity fundraisers and increasingly despairing e-mail blasts simply had not sufficed to seal the deal next week, Democratic candidates for Senate opted Tuesday to erect a kissing booth on the Capitol Hill lawn. In exchange for the promise of your vote on November 4th, and just 50 cents going towards national Senate campaigns, you can now get to first base with the favored candidate of your choosing.
Gamergate Ants Resent Being Associated with Angry Bipedal Pricks
October 24, 2014 – The insect world has been rocked by controversy over the last two months, due to a trending hashtag which has forever associated the industrious and reproductively viable gamergate ant with a vocal group of angry, hostile, adolescent little shits known as #Gamergaters. As women in the gaming community continue to be harassed online, receive rape and death threats, and have their personal information exposed, this lower life form has sought to distance itself from the lowest life form with which it has become unwittingly entangled.
October 24, 2014 – The insect world has been rocked by controversy over the last two months, due to a trending hashtag which has forever associated the industrious and reproductively viable gamergate ant with a vocal group of angry, hostile, adolescent little shits known as #Gamergaters. As women in the gaming community continue to be harassed online, receive rape and death threats, and have their personal information exposed, this lower life form has sought to distance itself from the lowest life form with which it has become unwittingly entangled.
CDC's Failure to Contain Harsh Buzz Could Spell Disaster for Nation's Bros
October 17, 2014 – Despite their insistence that all safety precautions were being taken, the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia has failed to quarantine a virulent strain of harsh vibes, which has entered the local populace and is totally buzzkilling at a rapid rate. If the CDC fails to contain this outbreak, U.S. officials fear, it could lead to an epidemic of major bummers for America's innocent bros.
October 17, 2014 – Despite their insistence that all safety precautions were being taken, the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia has failed to quarantine a virulent strain of harsh vibes, which has entered the local populace and is totally buzzkilling at a rapid rate. If the CDC fails to contain this outbreak, U.S. officials fear, it could lead to an epidemic of major bummers for America's innocent bros.
God Unleashes Wrath Against Gay Marriage by Raining Men Upon San Francisco
October 14, 2014 – With the majority of Americans now supporting marriage equality, and legal challenges brought against gay marriage bans in all remaining US states, The Lord Almighty has finally seen fit to unleash His holy wrath, as forewarned by scripture. As of 9 AM on Tuesday, great stormclouds have formed over the city of San Francisco, California, and from them has poured a veritable monsoon of hot men, a just punishment for the wicked and sinful.
October 14, 2014 – With the majority of Americans now supporting marriage equality, and legal challenges brought against gay marriage bans in all remaining US states, The Lord Almighty has finally seen fit to unleash His holy wrath, as forewarned by scripture. As of 9 AM on Tuesday, great stormclouds have formed over the city of San Francisco, California, and from them has poured a veritable monsoon of hot men, a just punishment for the wicked and sinful.
Marvel Announces Film Schedule Through 2057, When We Will Surely All Be Dead
October 10, 2014 – Disney's Marvel Studios, which has broken box office records with such films as The Avengers and the Iron Man trilogy, is staying ahead of the game by consistently announcing “phases” of the Marvel cinematic universe, stretching ahead for decades. The most recent schedule released by the superhero studio covers all solo and team-up films to be produced until the year 2057, when all of mankind will surely have been wiped out by our own cruel devices.
October 10, 2014 – Disney's Marvel Studios, which has broken box office records with such films as The Avengers and the Iron Man trilogy, is staying ahead of the game by consistently announcing “phases” of the Marvel cinematic universe, stretching ahead for decades. The most recent schedule released by the superhero studio covers all solo and team-up films to be produced until the year 2057, when all of mankind will surely have been wiped out by our own cruel devices.
Jezebel Blogger Eviscerates 8-Year-Old Misogynist Over Playground “Cooties” Diatribe
October 6, 2014 – With sexism running rampant in modern American society, internet bloggers have been self-tasked with policing and calling out the most egregious offenders. On Monday morning, Jezebel.com staff author Morgan Harumph did just that, with a post titled, “This 8-Year-Old Asshole Spouts Sexist Poison On the Playground.”
October 6, 2014 – With sexism running rampant in modern American society, internet bloggers have been self-tasked with policing and calling out the most egregious offenders. On Monday morning, Jezebel.com staff author Morgan Harumph did just that, with a post titled, “This 8-Year-Old Asshole Spouts Sexist Poison On the Playground.”
Republicans Candidates Promise to Go All 'Fantastic Voyage' On the Ebola Virus If Elected
October 2, 2014 – With the first diagnosed case of Ebola in the United States on Tuesday, the country is becoming increasingly worried about an outbreak, as well as how the illness might be treated without a national health service. On Thursday morning, a group of Republican Senate candidates assured Americans that, in lieu of subsidized healthcare, they would be willing to personally shrink down and venture into the human body in order to destroy the virus by hand, Fantastic Voyage style.
October 2, 2014 – With the first diagnosed case of Ebola in the United States on Tuesday, the country is becoming increasingly worried about an outbreak, as well as how the illness might be treated without a national health service. On Thursday morning, a group of Republican Senate candidates assured Americans that, in lieu of subsidized healthcare, they would be willing to personally shrink down and venture into the human body in order to destroy the virus by hand, Fantastic Voyage style.
New Study Links Real-Life Violence to Development of Violent Video Games
September 30, 2014 – The International Society for Research on Aggression (IRSA) published a study Tuesday morning which addresses the growing development of violent media imagery in movies, TV, and especially video games. The study concluded that the root cause of this shift in fictional narratives is, as many suspected, violence and unchecked aggression in the real world, which seems to get worse by the day.
September 30, 2014 – The International Society for Research on Aggression (IRSA) published a study Tuesday morning which addresses the growing development of violent media imagery in movies, TV, and especially video games. The study concluded that the root cause of this shift in fictional narratives is, as many suspected, violence and unchecked aggression in the real world, which seems to get worse by the day.
Study Finds that Climate Change Causes a Significant Increase in Gay Penguins
September 22, 2014 – Countless scientific studies have concluded that human activity is causing possibly irreversible changes to our Earth's climate and atmosphere. While skepticism still runs rampant across the United States, the World Wildlife Fund has just published a study with implications that could shake more conservative climate deniers to their core: continued changes to the Antarctic environment is causing a vast proliferation of gayness amongst native penguin species.
September 22, 2014 – Countless scientific studies have concluded that human activity is causing possibly irreversible changes to our Earth's climate and atmosphere. While skepticism still runs rampant across the United States, the World Wildlife Fund has just published a study with implications that could shake more conservative climate deniers to their core: continued changes to the Antarctic environment is causing a vast proliferation of gayness amongst native penguin species.
Adrian Peterson Garners Goodwill by Founding The Adrian Peterson Toughen Up School for Sissy-Boys
September 17, 2014 – A flurry of ethics scandals and investigations have beset players in the NFL, including a probe into Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson's alleged child abuse, which culminated in a team suspension late Tuesday night. Sparing no time to repair his public image, Peterson went public Wednesday morning with a personal project he's been eager to share with the world: The Adrian Peterson Toughen Up School for Sissy-Boys, a non-profit after-school program designed to prepare whiny or spoiled youth for the harsh, violent realities of life.
September 17, 2014 – A flurry of ethics scandals and investigations have beset players in the NFL, including a probe into Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson's alleged child abuse, which culminated in a team suspension late Tuesday night. Sparing no time to repair his public image, Peterson went public Wednesday morning with a personal project he's been eager to share with the world: The Adrian Peterson Toughen Up School for Sissy-Boys, a non-profit after-school program designed to prepare whiny or spoiled youth for the harsh, violent realities of life.
Intrepid Ray Rice Chose to Marry Girlfriend Despite Her Glass Jaw
September 9, 2014 – Much controversy has surrounded former NFL star Ray Rice and and his wife Janay since February, due to a recorded altercation which left her unconscious prior to their nuptials. Many have questioned the decision to follow through with the marriage, but Mr. Rice wants everyone to know that he decided then, despite his reservations, that Ms. Palmer's inability to take two punches from a 212 lbs. running back without losing consciousness would not hinder their ongoing relationship.
September 9, 2014 – Much controversy has surrounded former NFL star Ray Rice and and his wife Janay since February, due to a recorded altercation which left her unconscious prior to their nuptials. Many have questioned the decision to follow through with the marriage, but Mr. Rice wants everyone to know that he decided then, despite his reservations, that Ms. Palmer's inability to take two punches from a 212 lbs. running back without losing consciousness would not hinder their ongoing relationship.
Ray Rice Tearfully Reminds Everyone that Josh Gordon Smoked the Ganja
September 8, 2014 – Following the public airing of footage showing him knocking his girlfriend unconscious, running back Ray Rice has been released from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL. Eager to address his critics and salvage his public image, Rice has opened up to the press to remind everyone that Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon was suspended for a year for smoking pot, a decision which Rice considers entirely appropriate.
September 8, 2014 – Following the public airing of footage showing him knocking his girlfriend unconscious, running back Ray Rice has been released from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL. Eager to address his critics and salvage his public image, Rice has opened up to the press to remind everyone that Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon was suspended for a year for smoking pot, a decision which Rice considers entirely appropriate.
Women Use Day Off from Sexual Harassment at Work to Enjoy Harassment in Park
September 1, 2014 – With Labor Day Weekend kicking off in the waning days of summer, America's hard-working employees are hitting the parks and beaches to enjoy some well-earned sun and relaxation. In particular, women of the United States report that they are ready for a break from the mind-numbing minutiae of constant workplace sexual harassment, and are excited to take full advantage of a whole extra day of being sexually harassed outdoors.
September 1, 2014 – With Labor Day Weekend kicking off in the waning days of summer, America's hard-working employees are hitting the parks and beaches to enjoy some well-earned sun and relaxation. In particular, women of the United States report that they are ready for a break from the mind-numbing minutiae of constant workplace sexual harassment, and are excited to take full advantage of a whole extra day of being sexually harassed outdoors.
Heavily Armored Cop Ready to Confront Largest, Scariest Black Man His Imagination Can Conjure
August 15, 2014 – The protests following the killing of teenager Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri by police have given way to looting and disorder. In response, local law enforcement has broken out the surplus military gear spilled over from the Pentagon and suited up in order to handle any conceivable threat. One officer in particular, Lieutenant Perry Perkins of Ferguson, feels confident that he'll be able to effectively subdue the biggest, meanest, most fully loaded black man his limited imagination can conjure.
August 15, 2014 – The protests following the killing of teenager Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri by police have given way to looting and disorder. In response, local law enforcement has broken out the surplus military gear spilled over from the Pentagon and suited up in order to handle any conceivable threat. One officer in particular, Lieutenant Perry Perkins of Ferguson, feels confident that he'll be able to effectively subdue the biggest, meanest, most fully loaded black man his limited imagination can conjure.
Fifth Ninja Turtle Comes Forward, Publishes Tell-All Book
August 12, 2014 - A tell-all book by genetically mutated being Larry Green, 45, is set for release this week, in which the author claims to be the forgotten fifth member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Titled “Broken Shell: The Inside Story,” the book alleges Green was raised and trained with the vigilante crime-fighting team, but quit the group before they achieved notoriety.
August 12, 2014 - A tell-all book by genetically mutated being Larry Green, 45, is set for release this week, in which the author claims to be the forgotten fifth member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Titled “Broken Shell: The Inside Story,” the book alleges Green was raised and trained with the vigilante crime-fighting team, but quit the group before they achieved notoriety.
Seven-Year-Old Girl Caught Watching Television Show Clearly Made for Adult Men
August 8, 2014 - When 32-year-old Illinois mother Miranda Wilder opened the door to her daughter’s room, healthy snack in hand, she wasn’t prepared for what she’d find. “There she was, braiding the hair on her pony toys and singing along to the theme song,” said Wilder. “I was shocked! I don’t know how she found that show.” Seven-year-old Kelsey Wilder had found the show, however, and now she appears to be hooked. The show in question? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
August 8, 2014 - When 32-year-old Illinois mother Miranda Wilder opened the door to her daughter’s room, healthy snack in hand, she wasn’t prepared for what she’d find. “There she was, braiding the hair on her pony toys and singing along to the theme song,” said Wilder. “I was shocked! I don’t know how she found that show.” Seven-year-old Kelsey Wilder had found the show, however, and now she appears to be hooked. The show in question? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
New Petting Zoo Exhibit Lets Children Feed Internet Trolls
August 6, 2014 – Mulberry Lane Petting Farm in Sherwood, Wisconsin has reopened this season featuring an exciting new exhibit: for the first time, children of all ages will get to meet, pet, and feed domesticated internet trolls, using special feed containing impotent anger, self-righteousness, and a healthy dose of capital letters.
August 6, 2014 – Mulberry Lane Petting Farm in Sherwood, Wisconsin has reopened this season featuring an exciting new exhibit: for the first time, children of all ages will get to meet, pet, and feed domesticated internet trolls, using special feed containing impotent anger, self-righteousness, and a healthy dose of capital letters.
Man Peeing in Ocean Contemplates All the Places He'll Never See, But His Pee Will
August 1, 2014 – Max Parker, a 31-year-old human resources manager on vacation in Truro on the Cape, has suddenly begun to lament the fact that a short lifespan and financial barriers will likely prevent him from seeing most of the world, while urinating in the ocean. In doing so, he now suspects that his pee will one day see many of the places he can only dream about.
August 1, 2014 – Max Parker, a 31-year-old human resources manager on vacation in Truro on the Cape, has suddenly begun to lament the fact that a short lifespan and financial barriers will likely prevent him from seeing most of the world, while urinating in the ocean. In doing so, he now suspects that his pee will one day see many of the places he can only dream about.
Comic-Con Ends with Traditional Studio Executive Money Machine Challenge
July 27, 2014 - The San Diego International Comic Convention, beginning on Thursday the 24th of July, concluded its long weekend of fun and spectacle on Sunday with the ceremonial “SDCC Studio Exec Challenge,” during which one lucky executive from a major film studio is loaded into a cash booth, and is given unlimited time to grab up as much of the audience's money as possible.
July 27, 2014 - The San Diego International Comic Convention, beginning on Thursday the 24th of July, concluded its long weekend of fun and spectacle on Sunday with the ceremonial “SDCC Studio Exec Challenge,” during which one lucky executive from a major film studio is loaded into a cash booth, and is given unlimited time to grab up as much of the audience's money as possible.
New Culinary ControllerTM Lets You Play Video Games While You Eat Your Sandwich
July 23, 2014 - The modern American is accustomed to the luxury of dining while watching television, listening to music, or going out to the movies. But tragically, one has always been forced to decide between enjoying a nice meal or engaging in virtual recreation. Now, thanks to Sony's new Culinary ControllerTM, that choice will never again weigh on the minds of gamers, as it provides your sandwich of choice with full video game functionality.
July 23, 2014 - The modern American is accustomed to the luxury of dining while watching television, listening to music, or going out to the movies. But tragically, one has always been forced to decide between enjoying a nice meal or engaging in virtual recreation. Now, thanks to Sony's new Culinary ControllerTM, that choice will never again weigh on the minds of gamers, as it provides your sandwich of choice with full video game functionality.
Robin Thicke: “I Think We Can All Agree Pharrell Is the Real Asshole”
July 17, 2014 - Marking a more aggressive approach to his album and image troubles, pop star Robin Thicke stated in an interview on Access Hollywood that, while he is still upset over his and Paula Patton's divorce, he is actually far more annoyed at singer-songwriter Pharrell Williams for getting away with Blurred Lines scot-free.
July 17, 2014 - Marking a more aggressive approach to his album and image troubles, pop star Robin Thicke stated in an interview on Access Hollywood that, while he is still upset over his and Paula Patton's divorce, he is actually far more annoyed at singer-songwriter Pharrell Williams for getting away with Blurred Lines scot-free.
Budget NASA Mission Launches Astronauts to Surface of Detroit
July 14, 2014 - Last week, seeking to rekindle the spirit of American greatness at a fraction of the cost, NASA revived its defunded shuttle launch program. Then early this morning, the organization announced triumphantly that its astronauts had successfully touched down at their budget destination, the barren landscape of Detroit, Michigan, and have begun to explore its surface.
July 14, 2014 - Last week, seeking to rekindle the spirit of American greatness at a fraction of the cost, NASA revived its defunded shuttle launch program. Then early this morning, the organization announced triumphantly that its astronauts had successfully touched down at their budget destination, the barren landscape of Detroit, Michigan, and have begun to explore its surface.
Shark Claims Persecution After Baiting Cruelty: “I’m a Victim of Big Sunscreen”
July 11, 2014 - Summer is here, and yet another aquatic predator has become prey to a cruel cosmetic pyramid scheme. A great white in Manhattan Beach, California was maliciously lured into what he believed was a plumb feeding opportunity, only to see through the smokescreen after it was too late.
July 11, 2014 - Summer is here, and yet another aquatic predator has become prey to a cruel cosmetic pyramid scheme. A great white in Manhattan Beach, California was maliciously lured into what he believed was a plumb feeding opportunity, only to see through the smokescreen after it was too late.
Benevolent Magazine Editors Seek to Raise Awareness of Shailene Woodley
July 9, 2014 – In an unprecedented display of coordinated action on behalf of public awareness, magazines specializing in a wide variety of critical subjects, including culture, beauty and fashion, have united their covers behind one message: actress Shailene Woodley exists, and America can't risk not knowing that any longer.
July 9, 2014 – In an unprecedented display of coordinated action on behalf of public awareness, magazines specializing in a wide variety of critical subjects, including culture, beauty and fashion, have united their covers behind one message: actress Shailene Woodley exists, and America can't risk not knowing that any longer.
Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company's right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company's right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
New Independent Study Confirms Vaccines Cause Kardashians
June 30, 2014 - An investigative study published in a Turkish medical journal, Turkey's Medical Zine (TMZ), has confirmed this week what American parents have feared for years: there is a definitive link between common immunity vaccines and the spread of Kardashians.
June 30, 2014 - An investigative study published in a Turkish medical journal, Turkey's Medical Zine (TMZ), has confirmed this week what American parents have feared for years: there is a definitive link between common immunity vaccines and the spread of Kardashians.
Obama Appoints Bo Secretary of Not Shitting the Carpet
June 26, 2014 - In spite of criticism for recent, “less-than-savory” political appointments, the Obama administration today officially confirmed their selection of Bo, family dog and frequent carpet shitter, as the new national Secretary of Not Shitting the Carpet.
June 26, 2014 - In spite of criticism for recent, “less-than-savory” political appointments, the Obama administration today officially confirmed their selection of Bo, family dog and frequent carpet shitter, as the new national Secretary of Not Shitting the Carpet.
Governor Rick Perry Endorses Legislation to Combat Driving While Gay
June 15, 2014 - In keeping with his political platform espousing the similarities between homosexuality and alcoholism, Texas Governor Rick Perry has endorsed a law which would discourage overly gay citizens from getting behind the wheel.
June 15, 2014 - In keeping with his political platform espousing the similarities between homosexuality and alcoholism, Texas Governor Rick Perry has endorsed a law which would discourage overly gay citizens from getting behind the wheel.
NRA Concedes Support for Background Checks on Guns
June 8, 2014 - The National Rifle Association, in a departure from their previously strict stance against any regulation, has agreed to support measures which would force gun stores to evaluate the criminal background and mental health of the weapons they stock.
June 8, 2014 - The National Rifle Association, in a departure from their previously strict stance against any regulation, has agreed to support measures which would force gun stores to evaluate the criminal background and mental health of the weapons they stock.