The Moonmont Chronicle
  • Home
  • National
  • City
  • World
  • Commentary
  • Cartoons
  • 2016 Best
  • About
  • Contact
  • 2015 Best
  • 2014 Best

Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu​

The Bringer of Madness wins a landmark case in America's highest court.

See Full Story

National News

Picture
Nation's Facts Currently Experiencing Identity Crisis

City News

Picture
Hamilton Creators Lament Ticket Sales Lost Due to Not Writing a Straight Play Starring White People

World News

Picture
Pope Francis Addresses Worshipers, Reveals Own Spec Script for Star Wars Episode VIII

Commentary

Picture
What's This, a Microphone? And If I Say Horrible Stuff Into It, Everyone Will Keep Talking About Me? Great, Let's Do This.

Cartoons


Picture
"Make Donald Duck Again" by Joe Cabatit



Recent News


Picture
Local Paid Protester Hoping New Gig Will Parlay Nicely Into Character Acting

March 2, 2017 – Cynthia Myrbles, one of the 3.2 million protesters being paid $1,500 per week by the DNC and George Soros to participate in the Women's March on Washington and subsequent national protests, told reporters on Thursday that despite her newfound financial security, she really only views fake protesting as a stepping stone towards more fulfilling performance opportunities.

Picture
Person Who Delights In Saying Upsetting Things Says Thing That Makes People Who Delight In Upsetting Things He Says Upset

February 21, 2017 – Milo Yiannopoulos, a professional person who says things designed to hurt people who had become very popular with people who don't mind seeing other people hurt, has in the course of a week been disinvited from a public speaking engagement, had a book deal canceled, and resigned from the president's preferred news outlet, due to finally saying a thing that made the people who like hurting people feel hurt.​

Picture
​Construction Begins on Massive Wahlburgers at Mexican Border

January 20, 2017 – Following the inauguration of President Donald Trump, the signature promise of his campaign, to construct an enormous, 40-foot-high Wahlburgers restaurant on the Mexican-American border, is officially underway. Government contractors have suggested that the new location of the Boston burger joint will officially open by December, provided there is enough cheap labor.

Picture
Ammon Bundy Calls Standing Rock to Congratulate Them on Their Totally Similar Victory

December 5, 2016 – Ammon Bundy, the leader of the Oregon militia who were legally exonerated after the armed takeover of a national wildlife refuge, reached out to congratulate David Archambault II and the other water protectors of the Standing Rock reservation who had staged a successful unarmed protest on their own lands, saying that this has been a great year for totally equivalent victories over the powers-that-be.

Picture
NSA Report: Sony Rigged American Election to Make Virtual Reality More Appealing

November 18, 2016 - A newly published report by the National Security Agency suggests that recent American intelligence hacks originated not in Russia, but in Japan. Officials were baffled until one analyst noted that Minato, Tokyo, the traced origin of the hacks, is also the location of Sony corporate headquarters.

Picture
Nation's Cities Wake Up to Discover That There Is A “Middle” America

November 9, 2016 – Millions of city residents across the United States awoke Wednesday morning and confidently opened their laptops or iPhones to check their newsfeeds, only to learn for the first time of the existence of a previously unheard-of part of the country known as “middle America.”

Picture
Nation Relishes Opportunity to Heap Scorn on Another Woman Whose Husband Cheated on Her

November 2, 2016 – In the wake of the FBI's announcement that new evidence in Hillary Clinton's email scandal has been seized from disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner's laptop by way of her top aide Huma Abedin, proponents and voters from both sides of the aisle are growing excited at this new opportunity to criticize and tear down yet another woman who was betrayed by her husband's penis.

Picture
Bundy Brothers' Not Guilty Verdict Sets Important “Felony?” Precedent

October 28, 2016 – Thursday's acquittal of Ammon Bundy's seven-man militia group, who in January staged an armed occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a federal facility in rural Oregon, has set a vital legal precedent for future jurors who might wish to ask, “Well what is a felony though, really?”

Picture
​Putin Admits He Would Have Preferred Using Jeff Probst to Undermine American Democracy

October 13, 2016 – While stating that he considers Donald Trump's performance thus far in the US presidential race to be satisfactory, Russian president Vladimir Putin did confess to reporters that his first choice for a puppet with whom he could effectively undermine the American democratic process had been Survivor host Jeff Probst.

Picture
Clinton Disappoints Skeptics at Debate by Not Unzipping to Reveal Bernie Sanders

October 11, 2016 – While some mainstream Democrats expressed disappointment that Sunday night's second Presidential debate tended more towards personal attacks than policy and substance, many more skeptics and dissenters in the party's liberal base were outraged that Hillary Clinton did not unzip her costume to reveal that she had been primary contender Bernie Sanders the entire time.

Picture
Modern-Day Viking Presents Pillage-Based Energy Policy in First Presidential Debate

September 27, 2016 – In the course of last night's US presidential debate, many policies were debated at length and in-depth, but perhaps no plan was more striking than that of self-professed billionaire and former Viking Radningar Donald Trump to employ a “pillage”-based foreign energy acquisition policy, with regards to seizing foreign sources of oil in the name of America and Valhalla in the next life.

Proudly powered by Weebly