Top Stories of 2014

#1: Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company's right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company's right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.

#2: New Independent Study Confirms Vaccines Cause Kardashians
June 30, 2014 - An investigative study published in a Turkish medical journal, Turkey's Medical Zine (TMZ), has confirmed this week what American parents have feared for years: there is a definitive link between common immunity vaccines and the spread of Kardashians.
June 30, 2014 - An investigative study published in a Turkish medical journal, Turkey's Medical Zine (TMZ), has confirmed this week what American parents have feared for years: there is a definitive link between common immunity vaccines and the spread of Kardashians.

#3: Pie Face Docked Five Points on Health Inspection due to 'Sweeney Todd' Infraction
July 15, 2014 - Despite their thoroughly sanitary facilities and a work staff well versed in proper food preparation, the Pie Face restaurant at 53rd & Broadway was penalized by the visiting health inspector for what is referred to as the 'Sweeney Todd' infraction, which specifically forbids serving the slain victims of a crazed barber up as pies, and is worth five points.
July 15, 2014 - Despite their thoroughly sanitary facilities and a work staff well versed in proper food preparation, the Pie Face restaurant at 53rd & Broadway was penalized by the visiting health inspector for what is referred to as the 'Sweeney Todd' infraction, which specifically forbids serving the slain victims of a crazed barber up as pies, and is worth five points.

#4: Jezebel Blogger Eviscerates 8-Year-Old Misogynist Over Playground “Cooties” Diatribe
October 6, 2014 – With sexism running rampant in modern American society, internet bloggers have been self-tasked with policing and calling out the most egregious offenders. On Monday morning, Jezebel.com staff author Morgan Harumph did just that, with a post titled, “This 8-Year-Old Asshole Spouts Sexist Poison On the Playground.”
October 6, 2014 – With sexism running rampant in modern American society, internet bloggers have been self-tasked with policing and calling out the most egregious offenders. On Monday morning, Jezebel.com staff author Morgan Harumph did just that, with a post titled, “This 8-Year-Old Asshole Spouts Sexist Poison On the Playground.”

#5: CIA's Torture of V.I.L.E. Henchmen Did Nothing to Reveal Whereabouts of Carmen Sandiego
December 10, 2014 – A report released by the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday illuminated the nature of severe torture tactics used on secret prison detainees leading back to the Bush administration. Not only did the report shed light on the brutal nature of these interrogations, it confirmed that the result was little to no information regarding the whereabouts of the Vixen of Villainy, Carmen Sandiego.
December 10, 2014 – A report released by the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday illuminated the nature of severe torture tactics used on secret prison detainees leading back to the Bush administration. Not only did the report shed light on the brutal nature of these interrogations, it confirmed that the result was little to no information regarding the whereabouts of the Vixen of Villainy, Carmen Sandiego.

#6: Governor Rick Perry Endorses Legislation to Combat Driving While Gay
June 15, 2014 - In keeping with his political platform espousing the similarities between homosexuality and alcoholism, Texas Governor Rick Perry has endorsed a law which would discourage overly gay citizens from getting behind the wheel.

#7: Heroic NYPD Officer Pursues Knaves on Horseback, Rescues Fair Maiden
July 2, 2014 - Hear ye o hear ye, humble citizens of Manhattan, for a tale of unbridled heroism did transpire this fair morn, neath the pale light of the M&M Store. At approximately 9:40 AM this balmy Wednesday, a courageous chase down 7th Avenue did occur, which culminated in one of New York's finest mounted officers apprehending a group of ne'er-do-wells, and setting free the fairest maiden in all the land.
July 2, 2014 - Hear ye o hear ye, humble citizens of Manhattan, for a tale of unbridled heroism did transpire this fair morn, neath the pale light of the M&M Store. At approximately 9:40 AM this balmy Wednesday, a courageous chase down 7th Avenue did occur, which culminated in one of New York's finest mounted officers apprehending a group of ne'er-do-wells, and setting free the fairest maiden in all the land.

#8: United States at Long Last Normalizes Relations with Cuba Gooding Jr.
December 17, 2014 – After over a decade of what could generously be described as frosty diplomatic relations, President Obama has announced that 2015 will be the year that America “cuts loose the shackles of the past,” and re-establishes ties with 46-year-old actor Cuba Gooding Jr., best known for Jerry Maguire as well as the international Radio disaster.
December 17, 2014 – After over a decade of what could generously be described as frosty diplomatic relations, President Obama has announced that 2015 will be the year that America “cuts loose the shackles of the past,” and re-establishes ties with 46-year-old actor Cuba Gooding Jr., best known for Jerry Maguire as well as the international Radio disaster.

#9: Crying Baby Lacks Perspective, Agree C Train Passengers
June 24, 2014 - Commuters on the Washington Heights-bound C train at 7:15 PM were asked to weigh in about the baby loudly sobbing in the middle of the train car, and the overwhelming consensus is that the infant should be far happier with its lot in life than its actions express.

#10: Local Man Questions Nutrition of the Seven Big Macs He Just Devoured
November 7, 2014 – Following a much-anticipated stop at his oft-visited neighborhood McDonald's on Saturday, Jerome Tucker, 26, of Harlem, New York became wary that the Big Mac, of which he had already eaten six, may be largely devoid of nutrients and may, in fact, be detrimental to his overall health. This revelation led Tucker to place his entire meal, which also consisted of large fries and a 10-piece McNuggets with sweet & sour sauce, under increased mental scrutiny.
November 7, 2014 – Following a much-anticipated stop at his oft-visited neighborhood McDonald's on Saturday, Jerome Tucker, 26, of Harlem, New York became wary that the Big Mac, of which he had already eaten six, may be largely devoid of nutrients and may, in fact, be detrimental to his overall health. This revelation led Tucker to place his entire meal, which also consisted of large fries and a 10-piece McNuggets with sweet & sour sauce, under increased mental scrutiny.