Top Stories of 2015
#1: Third Grader Who Processed Plutonium in His Bathtub for Show-and-Tell Suddenly Really Glad He's White
September 16, 2015 – Martin Alabaster, a student in San Antonio, was excited today to show his third grade teacher and classmates how he'd successfully transformed his home bathtub into a low-level nuclear reactor and used it to create the explosive element plutonium. When he saw the news this morning of a Muslim boy's arrest in Irving for making a simple clock, he was immediately thankful to be completely and recognizably white.
September 16, 2015 – Martin Alabaster, a student in San Antonio, was excited today to show his third grade teacher and classmates how he'd successfully transformed his home bathtub into a low-level nuclear reactor and used it to create the explosive element plutonium. When he saw the news this morning of a Muslim boy's arrest in Irving for making a simple clock, he was immediately thankful to be completely and recognizably white.
#2: Cobra Commander Captured California While America Fought Over a Dress
February 27, 2015 - Evil won last night. You won't hear about it anywhere but here, because the victor was swift, deadly, and most of all, knew how to take advantage of an opportunity. Who was this victor? None other than Cobra Commander.
#3: "Rep. Chaffetz Charts Guns and Terrorism"
President Obama challenged the nation's media to compare American firearm deaths to deaths by terrorism.
So with the help of Congressman Jason Chaffetz, we present a chart which should prove definitively that Obama's comparison is off-base.
#4: Trump Presidential Campaign Discovered to Be Lame M. Night Shyamalan Plot Twist
October 27, 2015 – New details brought to light about the campaign to elect Donald Trump for president, a campaign largely defined by gaffes, bigotry and childishness, have revealed that its very existence is an elaborate twist put in place by the acclaimed director of The Sixth Sense and The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan.
October 27, 2015 – New details brought to light about the campaign to elect Donald Trump for president, a campaign largely defined by gaffes, bigotry and childishness, have revealed that its very existence is an elaborate twist put in place by the acclaimed director of The Sixth Sense and The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan.
#5: Ben Carson Says America Could Have Been Avoided if the Indians had Been Armed
October 12, 2015 – Quintupling down on his controversial remarks in the wake of the Oregon school shooting, neurosurgeon and presidential candidate Ben Carson stated in an interview that the genocide of the Native Americans, and the subsequent formation of the United States of America, could have been prevented if the Indian tribes had had guns.
October 12, 2015 – Quintupling down on his controversial remarks in the wake of the Oregon school shooting, neurosurgeon and presidential candidate Ben Carson stated in an interview that the genocide of the Native Americans, and the subsequent formation of the United States of America, could have been prevented if the Indian tribes had had guns.
#6: Sears Courts Family Values Shoppers by Labeling Toy Aisles with Proper Genitalia
August 25, 2015 – In response to the conservative family backlash against Target's decision to remove gender distinctions from their toy aisles, Sears corporate execs have implemented a new policy to court these dejected old-fashioned parents: all toy aisles in Sears stores nationwide now feature an anatomically correct silhouette of whichever set of genitals a child should have before perusing that selection of playthings.
August 25, 2015 – In response to the conservative family backlash against Target's decision to remove gender distinctions from their toy aisles, Sears corporate execs have implemented a new policy to court these dejected old-fashioned parents: all toy aisles in Sears stores nationwide now feature an anatomically correct silhouette of whichever set of genitals a child should have before perusing that selection of playthings.
#7: Professional Athlete's Multitude of Accomplishments Considered Not Sexy Enough
July 14, 2015 – Despite her win at Saturday's Wimbledon tennis tournament, the sixth of her career, as well as a host of other athletic and entrepreneurial achievements, Serena Williams' lifetime of success was condemned on Monday as being un-sexy, and therefore invalid.
July 14, 2015 – Despite her win at Saturday's Wimbledon tennis tournament, the sixth of her career, as well as a host of other athletic and entrepreneurial achievements, Serena Williams' lifetime of success was condemned on Monday as being un-sexy, and therefore invalid.
#8: 'Nice Boy Mom Would Approve of' Fetish Springs Up Overnight in the Gay Community
June 30, 2015 – Out of nowhere and seemingly without warning last Friday night, a new sexual quirk became highly desirable in the American gay community: smart, well-dressed, and gainfully employed men who would be well liked by Mother, in the event of a family introduction.
June 30, 2015 – Out of nowhere and seemingly without warning last Friday night, a new sexual quirk became highly desirable in the American gay community: smart, well-dressed, and gainfully employed men who would be well liked by Mother, in the event of a family introduction.
#9: Muhammad Pissed at Overzealous Followers After Putting Tons of Effort into His Appearance
January 8, 2015 – With extremists running rampant, claiming to besiege and murder innocents in his name, the Muslim prophet Muhammad stepped forward Thursday to express his own anger that psychopaths would go to such great lengths to pervert his religion, without once noticing how much work he'd done on his hair, skin and wardrobe in recent months.
January 8, 2015 – With extremists running rampant, claiming to besiege and murder innocents in his name, the Muslim prophet Muhammad stepped forward Thursday to express his own anger that psychopaths would go to such great lengths to pervert his religion, without once noticing how much work he'd done on his hair, skin and wardrobe in recent months.
#10: Local Man Silently Decides Clever Comment Simply Too Smart for the Room
April 17, 2015 – Late Thursday evening, at a house party in Greenwich Village, sources say Manhattan resident Clive Haverbaum, 32, withheld a witty remark from the ongoing conversation between work friends, having made the prudent decision that it would most assuredly go over everyone's heads.
April 17, 2015 – Late Thursday evening, at a house party in Greenwich Village, sources say Manhattan resident Clive Haverbaum, 32, withheld a witty remark from the ongoing conversation between work friends, having made the prudent decision that it would most assuredly go over everyone's heads.