Top Stories of 2016
#1: Hamilton Creators Lament Ticket Sales Lost Due to Not Writing a Straight Play Starring White People
February 18, 2016 – Following their surprise win at the Grammys for Best Musical Theater Album, the Broadway show Hamilton has come under added media scrutiny over its choice to portray America's Founding Fathers as rap-battling songbirds, employing mostly black and Latino actors. While the production has received some praise in the art world, writer and star Lin-Manuel Miranda, along with the show's producers, have admitted that a music-less play starring only old white men might have won over skeptics, and helped the show achieve greater commercial success.
February 18, 2016 – Following their surprise win at the Grammys for Best Musical Theater Album, the Broadway show Hamilton has come under added media scrutiny over its choice to portray America's Founding Fathers as rap-battling songbirds, employing mostly black and Latino actors. While the production has received some praise in the art world, writer and star Lin-Manuel Miranda, along with the show's producers, have admitted that a music-less play starring only old white men might have won over skeptics, and helped the show achieve greater commercial success.
#2: Man Whose Phone Battery Died Forced to Bear Witness to the Terrifying World Around Him
May 12, 2016 – Washington Heights resident Barnaby Gibson was on his way home via the D train Wednesday night after a long work shift, when he suddenly realized that his phone battery had completely drained of power, cutting off his access to music, mobile games, and the endless contents of the world wide web. For the following forty minutes, Gibson had no choice but to experience the world around him, and take stock of the horrifying realities outside his usual bubble of distractions.
May 12, 2016 – Washington Heights resident Barnaby Gibson was on his way home via the D train Wednesday night after a long work shift, when he suddenly realized that his phone battery had completely drained of power, cutting off his access to music, mobile games, and the endless contents of the world wide web. For the following forty minutes, Gibson had no choice but to experience the world around him, and take stock of the horrifying realities outside his usual bubble of distractions.
#3: Gondor Bans All Non-Essential Eagle Travel to North Carolina in Response to Anti-LGBTQ Bill
March 29, 2016 – After the North Carolina legislature passed a law which undoes and outright bans all non-discrimination ordinance for the LGBTQ community, businesses and neighboring state governments have kicked into action by pulling business out of NC and preventing further travel to it. Among those protesting the discrimination is the Middle Earth realm of Gondor, which has recently announced a full withdrawal of non-essential travel to North Carolina by way of mounted eagle.
March 29, 2016 – After the North Carolina legislature passed a law which undoes and outright bans all non-discrimination ordinance for the LGBTQ community, businesses and neighboring state governments have kicked into action by pulling business out of NC and preventing further travel to it. Among those protesting the discrimination is the Middle Earth realm of Gondor, which has recently announced a full withdrawal of non-essential travel to North Carolina by way of mounted eagle.
#4: Teary-Eyed Oregon Militiaman Forced to Eat His Own Beloved Gun for Sustenance
January 5, 2016 – The armed extremists who took over a federal building in Burns, Oregon in order to demand individual land rights recently discovered that they do not have enough food to hold their ground for long. The situation has become so dire that one militiaman, Darryl Pecktree, had to break, disassemble and devour his own beloved sidearm, an emotionally fraught experience.
January 5, 2016 – The armed extremists who took over a federal building in Burns, Oregon in order to demand individual land rights recently discovered that they do not have enough food to hold their ground for long. The situation has become so dire that one militiaman, Darryl Pecktree, had to break, disassemble and devour his own beloved sidearm, an emotionally fraught experience.
#5: Ted Cruz to New Hampshire: “Vote for Me or I Will Kiss Your Baby”
February 2, 2016 – Monday night saw Senator Ted Cruz win the Iowa caucus against a large crop of similarly likeable Republican opponents. With the New Hampshire primary set to take place next Tuesday, the currently leading candidate is making a promise to all conservative voters in the state, that should they forsake him, he will personally show up to their house and kiss their baby.
February 2, 2016 – Monday night saw Senator Ted Cruz win the Iowa caucus against a large crop of similarly likeable Republican opponents. With the New Hampshire primary set to take place next Tuesday, the currently leading candidate is making a promise to all conservative voters in the state, that should they forsake him, he will personally show up to their house and kiss their baby.
#6: Russian Hackers Uncover 30,000 Clinton E-Mails, Discover Map to Hidden City of El Dorado
July 29, 2016 – At the behest of her election opponent, hackers working out of Russia stole another large trove of e-mails from Hillary Clinton's private server, previously thought deleted. Among the mostly innocuous messages was a truly startling find: a scanned copy of an ancient map to the fabled city of gold, El Dorado, hidden along the banks of the Putumayo River.
July 29, 2016 – At the behest of her election opponent, hackers working out of Russia stole another large trove of e-mails from Hillary Clinton's private server, previously thought deleted. Among the mostly innocuous messages was a truly startling find: a scanned copy of an ancient map to the fabled city of gold, El Dorado, hidden along the banks of the Putumayo River.
#7: Brock Turner's Father: “If We Lightly Punish One Rapist for His Actions, Where Does It Stop?”
June 7, 2016 – As a follow-up to his heartfelt letter in which he states that his son should not have to pay the price of jail time for “20 minutes of action,” Dan A. Turner, father of the convicted rapist who only received a six month sentence with probation, has penned another plea to the public, that should we barely reprimand his son for his own conscious crimes, it may have dire implications for future generations of young rapists.
June 7, 2016 – As a follow-up to his heartfelt letter in which he states that his son should not have to pay the price of jail time for “20 minutes of action,” Dan A. Turner, father of the convicted rapist who only received a six month sentence with probation, has penned another plea to the public, that should we barely reprimand his son for his own conscious crimes, it may have dire implications for future generations of young rapists.
#8: Local Sad Man Intends to Go Back and Update All His Previous Facebook Likes
February 24, 2016 – Americans woke up Wednesday to find that Facebook had updated their interface to include new versions of “likes” known as “reactions,” which can express a wide range of emotions in response to a status. One sad, lonely American in particular, Garry Masterson of Green Point, Brooklyn, has stated his intention to review his previous decade of Facebook likes, and change them to a more accurate reflection of his feelings at the time.
February 24, 2016 – Americans woke up Wednesday to find that Facebook had updated their interface to include new versions of “likes” known as “reactions,” which can express a wide range of emotions in response to a status. One sad, lonely American in particular, Garry Masterson of Green Point, Brooklyn, has stated his intention to review his previous decade of Facebook likes, and change them to a more accurate reflection of his feelings at the time.
#9: Property Values Near Pointless Street Art Mysteriously Skyrocket Overnight
July 11, 2016 – Defying all market analysis, in the course of the past weekend, demand for housing has shot up within approximately a 30-foot radius of all tasteless murals and utterly pointless street sculptures in the known world, sending rental prices skyrocketing.
#10: Nation's Cities Wake Up to Discover That There Is A “Middle” America
November 9, 2016 – Millions of city residents across the United States awoke Wednesday morning and confidently opened their laptops or iPhones to check their newsfeeds, only to learn for the first time of the existence of a previously unheard-of part of the country known as “middle America.”