City News
Local Paid Protester Hoping New Gig Will Parlay Nicely Into Character Acting
March 2, 2017 – Cynthia Myrbles, one of the 3.2 million protesters being paid $1,500 per week by the DNC and George Soros to participate in the Women's March on Washington and subsequent national protests, told reporters on Thursday that despite her newfound financial security, she really only views fake protesting as a stepping stone towards more fulfilling performance opportunities.
March 2, 2017 – Cynthia Myrbles, one of the 3.2 million protesters being paid $1,500 per week by the DNC and George Soros to participate in the Women's March on Washington and subsequent national protests, told reporters on Thursday that despite her newfound financial security, she really only views fake protesting as a stepping stone towards more fulfilling performance opportunities.
Local Man Decides To Masturbate Later Instead
September 8, 2016 - Upper East Side resident Lawrence McClusky has decided to put his phone away and pleasure himself later this evening instead. McClusky, 32, achieved a powerful erection while searching the internet for US Open results and was primed for a good, strong tug on the ole’ kielbasa flute. He had second thoughts, however, when he realized it was only 4:45 in the afternoon.
September 8, 2016 - Upper East Side resident Lawrence McClusky has decided to put his phone away and pleasure himself later this evening instead. McClusky, 32, achieved a powerful erection while searching the internet for US Open results and was primed for a good, strong tug on the ole’ kielbasa flute. He had second thoughts, however, when he realized it was only 4:45 in the afternoon.
Lin-Manuel Miranda, Sara Bareilles, Jason Robert Brown to Collaborate on Idea for Pants with Built-In Tupperware Pouches
August 18, 2016 – The theatre world has been rocked by the recent announcement of a new project co-helmed by musical scribes Lin-Manuel Miranda (Hamilton), Sara Bareilles (Waitress) and Jason Robert Brown (The Last Five Years): a line of full-length pants featuring compartments made of Tupperware, to keep both your food and your fashion fresh.
August 18, 2016 – The theatre world has been rocked by the recent announcement of a new project co-helmed by musical scribes Lin-Manuel Miranda (Hamilton), Sara Bareilles (Waitress) and Jason Robert Brown (The Last Five Years): a line of full-length pants featuring compartments made of Tupperware, to keep both your food and your fashion fresh.
Greenwich Village Man Who Just Spontaneously Combusted Says It's Not That Hot Outside
August 12, 2016 – In the midst of a powerful heatwave that is keeping residents indoors and putting a serious strain on daily commutes, Greenwich Village resident, and man who just spontaneously combusted, Chad Rollins wants to throw some cold water on his fellow New Yorkers' complaints by reminding everyone that it could be hotter.
August 12, 2016 – In the midst of a powerful heatwave that is keeping residents indoors and putting a serious strain on daily commutes, Greenwich Village resident, and man who just spontaneously combusted, Chad Rollins wants to throw some cold water on his fellow New Yorkers' complaints by reminding everyone that it could be hotter.
Broadway Show Dog Looking Forward to Getting Laid After the Matinee
June 14, 2016 – Sunny the show dog, a seasoned performer now hitting the road with the touring company of Annie, told reporters Tuesday that she can't wait to get totally laid after the matinee performance.
June 14, 2016 – Sunny the show dog, a seasoned performer now hitting the road with the touring company of Annie, told reporters Tuesday that she can't wait to get totally laid after the matinee performance.
Man Whose Phone Battery Died Forced to Bear Witness to the Terrifying World Around Him
May 12, 2016 – Washington Heights resident Barnaby Gibson was on his way home via the D train Wednesday night after a long work shift, when he suddenly realized that his phone battery had completely drained of power, cutting off his access to music, mobile games, and the endless contents of the world wide web. For the following forty minutes, Gibson had no choice but to experience the world around him, and take stock of the horrifying realities outside his usual bubble of distractions.
May 12, 2016 – Washington Heights resident Barnaby Gibson was on his way home via the D train Wednesday night after a long work shift, when he suddenly realized that his phone battery had completely drained of power, cutting off his access to music, mobile games, and the endless contents of the world wide web. For the following forty minutes, Gibson had no choice but to experience the world around him, and take stock of the horrifying realities outside his usual bubble of distractions.
New Midtown Pub “The Whiny Cracker” to Provide Sympathetic Ear to Victims of Reverse Racism
April 12, 2016 – Saying that they wanted to provide refreshment and a safe haven for those who have gone unheard, the owners of “The Whiny Cracker” have officially set up shop and opened their doors on 47th St., inviting all New York honkies to drink and mourn the multicultural state of our world.
April 12, 2016 – Saying that they wanted to provide refreshment and a safe haven for those who have gone unheard, the owners of “The Whiny Cracker” have officially set up shop and opened their doors on 47th St., inviting all New York honkies to drink and mourn the multicultural state of our world.
Grown Man Fighting All-Encompassing Urge to Click On Banner Ad Featuring Pikachu
April 8, 2016 – During his morning browsing for vital comic book movie news updates, local fully grown adult man Gregory Skiff came across a banner advertisement featuring no details apart from an image of beloved pocket monster Pikachu, and has since been fighting the unyielding urge to click on it and see what comes next.
April 8, 2016 – During his morning browsing for vital comic book movie news updates, local fully grown adult man Gregory Skiff came across a banner advertisement featuring no details apart from an image of beloved pocket monster Pikachu, and has since been fighting the unyielding urge to click on it and see what comes next.
Local Sad Man Intends to Go Back and Update All His Previous Facebook Likes
February 24, 2016 – Americans woke up Wednesday to find that Facebook had updated their interface to include new versions of “likes” known as “reactions,” which can express a wide range of emotions in response to a status. One sad, lonely American in particular, Garry Masterson of Green Point, Brooklyn, has stated his intention to review his previous decade of Facebook likes, and change them to a more accurate reflection of his feelings at the time.
February 24, 2016 – Americans woke up Wednesday to find that Facebook had updated their interface to include new versions of “likes” known as “reactions,” which can express a wide range of emotions in response to a status. One sad, lonely American in particular, Garry Masterson of Green Point, Brooklyn, has stated his intention to review his previous decade of Facebook likes, and change them to a more accurate reflection of his feelings at the time.
Hamilton Creators Lament Ticket Sales Lost Due to Not Writing a Straight Play Starring White People
February 18, 2016 – Following their surprise win at the Grammys for Best Musical Theater Album, the Broadway show Hamilton has come under added media scrutiny over its choice to portray America's Founding Fathers as rap-battling songbirds, employing mostly black and Latino actors. While the production has received some praise in the art world, writer and star Lin-Manuel Miranda, along with the show's producers, have admitted that a music-less play starring only old white men might have won over skeptics, and helped the show achieve greater commercial success.
February 18, 2016 – Following their surprise win at the Grammys for Best Musical Theater Album, the Broadway show Hamilton has come under added media scrutiny over its choice to portray America's Founding Fathers as rap-battling songbirds, employing mostly black and Latino actors. While the production has received some praise in the art world, writer and star Lin-Manuel Miranda, along with the show's producers, have admitted that a music-less play starring only old white men might have won over skeptics, and helped the show achieve greater commercial success.
Uplifting Investigative Report Reveals that Local Teenager Can Even
January 29, 2016 – An investigative piece aired by ABC7 Eyewitness News in New York on Friday told the story of Maddy Dorchester, a previously sullen and sarcastic teenager who thought she just couldn't deal. In the course of the new year, Dorchester has taken stock of her own ability to turn up, and has come to the realization that, under the right circumstances, she can even.
January 29, 2016 – An investigative piece aired by ABC7 Eyewitness News in New York on Friday told the story of Maddy Dorchester, a previously sullen and sarcastic teenager who thought she just couldn't deal. In the course of the new year, Dorchester has taken stock of her own ability to turn up, and has come to the realization that, under the right circumstances, she can even.
New Board Game Secret Hitler Causes Family Strife
January 6, 2016 - Every American has heard of the board game Monopoly; most have sat around a table for three hours and played it. Well, move over Oriental Avenue, there is a soon-to-be-released even more controversial game that is demanding the nation's attention, as players gleefully shout derogatory epithets at each other in bad German accents.
January 6, 2016 - Every American has heard of the board game Monopoly; most have sat around a table for three hours and played it. Well, move over Oriental Avenue, there is a soon-to-be-released even more controversial game that is demanding the nation's attention, as players gleefully shout derogatory epithets at each other in bad German accents.
Local Man Blames America's Decay on Whatever a Millennial Is
December 11, 2015 – Burt Grizmont, 63, of Great Neck, Long Island, has decided that he is fed up with the rapid, miserable decline of America's values, institutions and image abroad, and he has determined that the ones to blame are the country's “godforsaken” Millennials, whoever the hell they are.
December 11, 2015 – Burt Grizmont, 63, of Great Neck, Long Island, has decided that he is fed up with the rapid, miserable decline of America's values, institutions and image abroad, and he has determined that the ones to blame are the country's “godforsaken” Millennials, whoever the hell they are.
Local White Halloweener Still Not Entirely Convinced Blackface a Bad Idea
October 28, 2015 - As the nation prepares for its favorite costumed holiday, Queens resident Shawn Goggins finds himself in a moral quandary: should he or should he not wear blackface? After his plans to dress as a Lamar Odom zombie were nixed by Odom's recent recovery, Goggins is considering simply going as Odom in his prime. "As far as I'm concerned, I'd just be switching green face-paint for brown."
October 28, 2015 - As the nation prepares for its favorite costumed holiday, Queens resident Shawn Goggins finds himself in a moral quandary: should he or should he not wear blackface? After his plans to dress as a Lamar Odom zombie were nixed by Odom's recent recovery, Goggins is considering simply going as Odom in his prime. "As far as I'm concerned, I'd just be switching green face-paint for brown."
Funny-Looking, Socially Awkward White Guy Eager for Movies that He Can Relate to
September 18, 2015 – In an a cinematic age where badass female action heroes and stories of struggles with racial and sexual intolerance are becoming the norm, Trip Howseman, 29-year-old resident of Upper Manhattan, is eagerly anticipating the day when Hollywood inevitably caters to shlubby pale white men with underdeveloped social skills such as himself.
September 18, 2015 – In an a cinematic age where badass female action heroes and stories of struggles with racial and sexual intolerance are becoming the norm, Trip Howseman, 29-year-old resident of Upper Manhattan, is eagerly anticipating the day when Hollywood inevitably caters to shlubby pale white men with underdeveloped social skills such as himself.
Godzilla's Visit to Broadway Ruined by Excessive Military Force
September 15, 2015 – Sources have confirmed that, over the weekend, legendary kaiju monster and regular Times Square patron Godzilla was brutally assaulted by military forces on 44th Street, despite the fact that, as he later told reporters, he was only visiting to catch a Broadway show, and possibly do a little shopping on the side.
September 15, 2015 – Sources have confirmed that, over the weekend, legendary kaiju monster and regular Times Square patron Godzilla was brutally assaulted by military forces on 44th Street, despite the fact that, as he later told reporters, he was only visiting to catch a Broadway show, and possibly do a little shopping on the side.
BREAKING: Hot Facebook Friend Just Changed Profile Picture, No Longer Includes Boyfriend
September 12, 2015 – There appears to have been an important development in the life of local barista Amy Sumerson today: she changed her Facebook profile picture from the one of her embracing her boyfriend. Instead, her photo is now one from last year's Halloween party, where she sports a sexy Freddy Krueger costume and is very much alone.
September 12, 2015 – There appears to have been an important development in the life of local barista Amy Sumerson today: she changed her Facebook profile picture from the one of her embracing her boyfriend. Instead, her photo is now one from last year's Halloween party, where she sports a sexy Freddy Krueger costume and is very much alone.
Christian First Grader Refuses to Read Hop on Pop Due to Themes of Incest
August 26, 2015 - Newly arriving first grader Aiden Montblanc, at Manhattan’s Upper East Side elite private elementary school St. Benedictus Prep, is refusing to read an acclaimed children’s story, Dr. Seuss’s Hop on Pop. The book is part of all first grade English curriculum, and is read in every class at the Christian school, which is known to pump out many of America’s most intellectual middle schoolers.
August 26, 2015 - Newly arriving first grader Aiden Montblanc, at Manhattan’s Upper East Side elite private elementary school St. Benedictus Prep, is refusing to read an acclaimed children’s story, Dr. Seuss’s Hop on Pop. The book is part of all first grade English curriculum, and is read in every class at the Christian school, which is known to pump out many of America’s most intellectual middle schoolers.
Manhattanites Gather and Cheer as Victorious Builders Topple Oppressive Scaffolding
August 20, 2015 – For years, at least two, the scaffolding surrounding a beautiful brownstone building in upper Manhattan stood as a symbol of tyranny and dragged-out contract construction. But last Monday, onlookers cheered and breathed a sigh of relief as triumphant construction workers tore down the oppressive eyesore, an action which rocked the inter-tri-state community.
August 20, 2015 – For years, at least two, the scaffolding surrounding a beautiful brownstone building in upper Manhattan stood as a symbol of tyranny and dragged-out contract construction. But last Monday, onlookers cheered and breathed a sigh of relief as triumphant construction workers tore down the oppressive eyesore, an action which rocked the inter-tri-state community.
Local Friend Shocked to Discover All of Man's Ex-Girlfriends Actually Have Psychological Disorders
August 13, 2015 - When friends of local resident David Smacken heard tales of his dating life, they quickly noticed a suspicious pattern regarding all of his breakups. "He always said something like, 'Oh, she's crazy,' or, 'She's a mental patient'," longtime friend Darrius Williams told the press. "And he said it enough times that we wrote it off as an easy excuse. We'd never have called him on it, but we were always skeptical."
August 13, 2015 - When friends of local resident David Smacken heard tales of his dating life, they quickly noticed a suspicious pattern regarding all of his breakups. "He always said something like, 'Oh, she's crazy,' or, 'She's a mental patient'," longtime friend Darrius Williams told the press. "And he said it enough times that we wrote it off as an easy excuse. We'd never have called him on it, but we were always skeptical."
Defense Department Debuts New “Selfie Drone” in Times Square
July 23, 2015 – In response to the surprising popularity of the “selfie stick,” the U.S. Department of Defense decided to shore up some extra funds by debuting some new tech in midtown Manhattan: the aptly named “selfie drone,” a flying camera that consistently hovers just two feet past your head, for sale exclusively at street vendors' tables.
July 23, 2015 – In response to the surprising popularity of the “selfie stick,” the U.S. Department of Defense decided to shore up some extra funds by debuting some new tech in midtown Manhattan: the aptly named “selfie drone,” a flying camera that consistently hovers just two feet past your head, for sale exclusively at street vendors' tables.
Local Man Only Able to Emote During Pixar Movies
June 22, 2015 - Harlem resident Dante Chapman is described by friends and family as “emotionally demonstrative as a German U-Boat.” Yet on Friday evening, the 42-year-old father of three was found openly weeping and rolling around in a fetal position during a 7:30 screening of Pixar’s latest film, Inside Out. Though disturbing to many patrons, and hilarious in the eyes of an unsupervised group of seven-year-old boys, none of this came as a surprise to Chapman’s wife Louisa.
June 22, 2015 - Harlem resident Dante Chapman is described by friends and family as “emotionally demonstrative as a German U-Boat.” Yet on Friday evening, the 42-year-old father of three was found openly weeping and rolling around in a fetal position during a 7:30 screening of Pixar’s latest film, Inside Out. Though disturbing to many patrons, and hilarious in the eyes of an unsupervised group of seven-year-old boys, none of this came as a surprise to Chapman’s wife Louisa.
President of Local Mohel Association Revealed to Be Uncircumcised
June 17, 2015 – The Crown Heights chapter of the Orthodox Association of Mohels, the rabbis responsible for ritual circumcision, was rocked by scandal on Monday, when it was revealed that their president, Yakov Chutzpah, may actually be a Catholic man named Bagger O'Malley who is, in fact, sporting a hoodie.
June 17, 2015 – The Crown Heights chapter of the Orthodox Association of Mohels, the rabbis responsible for ritual circumcision, was rocked by scandal on Monday, when it was revealed that their president, Yakov Chutzpah, may actually be a Catholic man named Bagger O'Malley who is, in fact, sporting a hoodie.
Report: Non-Threatening White People Tired of Being Asked for Directions
May 22, 2015 – A New York City investigation has revealed that pleasant-looking, unintimidating Caucasian residents, particularly those who frequent midtown Manhattan, are sick of being stopped and asked where to go by non-residents, whose implicit racial bias prevents them from inquiring with resident minorities.
May 22, 2015 – A New York City investigation has revealed that pleasant-looking, unintimidating Caucasian residents, particularly those who frequent midtown Manhattan, are sick of being stopped and asked where to go by non-residents, whose implicit racial bias prevents them from inquiring with resident minorities.
New Midtown Billionaire Loft Comes With Sniper Perch for Shooting Bike Messengers
May 15, 2015 – Sales of multimillion-dollar properties more than doubled in Manhattan last year, and now eccentric billionaires are seeking out more unique perks. Among other bizarre benefits, a $95 million condo in Central Park West's Vice Tower comes complete with a built-in sniper's nest on the eastern view side, recommended for use against bikers and the homeless.
May 15, 2015 – Sales of multimillion-dollar properties more than doubled in Manhattan last year, and now eccentric billionaires are seeking out more unique perks. Among other bizarre benefits, a $95 million condo in Central Park West's Vice Tower comes complete with a built-in sniper's nest on the eastern view side, recommended for use against bikers and the homeless.
Local Man Silently Decides Clever Comment Simply Too Smart for the Room
April 17, 2015 – Late Thursday evening, at a house party in Greenwich Village, sources say Manhattan resident Clive Haverbaum, 32, withheld a witty remark from the ongoing conversation between work friends, having made the prudent decision that it would most assuredly go over everyone's heads.
April 17, 2015 – Late Thursday evening, at a house party in Greenwich Village, sources say Manhattan resident Clive Haverbaum, 32, withheld a witty remark from the ongoing conversation between work friends, having made the prudent decision that it would most assuredly go over everyone's heads.
Local Family Concludes Passover Seder Without Arguing About Politics, Or Anything Relevant
April 4, 2015 – It was reported Friday night that the Moskowitz family of Manhattan had successfully celebrated another Passover with all their extended relatives, without once dipping into political or social conversations. Instead, they managed to filter all their deep-seated hostility through passive-aggressive barbs about one another's careers, the food, and Brenda's lack of children.
April 4, 2015 – It was reported Friday night that the Moskowitz family of Manhattan had successfully celebrated another Passover with all their extended relatives, without once dipping into political or social conversations. Instead, they managed to filter all their deep-seated hostility through passive-aggressive barbs about one another's careers, the food, and Brenda's lack of children.
Study Shows Average New Yorker Offers One Third of All Blood to the Housing Demon
March 3, 2015 – New research into urban spending trends has revealed that New York City residents are currently sacrificing over one-third of their bodies' hard-pumped blood on average, that they might stem the wrath of Tenementus, the patron demon of the NYC Housing Authority.
March 3, 2015 – New research into urban spending trends has revealed that New York City residents are currently sacrificing over one-third of their bodies' hard-pumped blood on average, that they might stem the wrath of Tenementus, the patron demon of the NYC Housing Authority.
Human Woman Deemed 'Quirky' Due to Enjoying Food Consumption
February 4, 2015 – It was reported last night from the Caffe Bene on Riverside Drive that confirmed human female, Genevieve “Jenny” Bello of Washington Heights, has been formally labeled 'quirky' by several male friends and admirers, due primarily to the pleasure she derives from the natural act of food consumption.
February 4, 2015 – It was reported last night from the Caffe Bene on Riverside Drive that confirmed human female, Genevieve “Jenny” Bello of Washington Heights, has been formally labeled 'quirky' by several male friends and admirers, due primarily to the pleasure she derives from the natural act of food consumption.
De Blasio Warns Snowstorm Could Hit Record Babies Conceived While Binge Watching Transparent
January 26, 2015 – With Snowstorm Juno bearing down on the East Coast, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio issued a warning to all citizens now trapped in their apartments, that conditions are ripe for an unprecedented number of New York children to be conceived while catching up on the Amazon original series Transparent, starring Jeffrey Tambor as a transgendered woman.
January 26, 2015 – With Snowstorm Juno bearing down on the East Coast, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio issued a warning to all citizens now trapped in their apartments, that conditions are ripe for an unprecedented number of New York children to be conceived while catching up on the Amazon original series Transparent, starring Jeffrey Tambor as a transgendered woman.
'White People Problems: the Musical' Headed to Broadway
January 15, 2015 – Following a successful run at Seattle's 5th Avenue Theatre, J. Augustine Truffle's original production of White People Problems: the Musical will premiere on Broadway at the Winter Garden theater in April, producers announced Thursday. The show, which drew significant praise from the vast majority of Seattle residents, will join the pantheon of theatrical productions celebrating the profound struggles of upper-middle class American life.
January 15, 2015 – Following a successful run at Seattle's 5th Avenue Theatre, J. Augustine Truffle's original production of White People Problems: the Musical will premiere on Broadway at the Winter Garden theater in April, producers announced Thursday. The show, which drew significant praise from the vast majority of Seattle residents, will join the pantheon of theatrical productions celebrating the profound struggles of upper-middle class American life.
Local Comedy Friends Engaged in Fragile Improv Show Trade Agreement
December 5, 2014 – The performance careers of Samantha Giblet, 27, and Parker Sachs, 25, have enjoyed stable trade relations for over a year, wherein both parties attend the other's improv shows, no matter how expensive or inconveniently timed. That stability has been under threat since last Saturday, when Parker missed Samantha's performance at the Upright Citizens Brigade's Indie Cage Match.
December 5, 2014 – The performance careers of Samantha Giblet, 27, and Parker Sachs, 25, have enjoyed stable trade relations for over a year, wherein both parties attend the other's improv shows, no matter how expensive or inconveniently timed. That stability has been under threat since last Saturday, when Parker missed Samantha's performance at the Upright Citizens Brigade's Indie Cage Match.
Charles Manson's Engagement Pretty Much the Last Straw for Local Girlfriend of Six Years
November 20, 2014 – The news that homicidal conspirator and 80-year-old lifetime prisoner Charles Manson has sought a marriage license with loyal 26-year-old follower “Star” Burton, which broke Tuesday, has proven to be the final straw for 27-year-old Bedford resident Betsy Howell, who has until now patiently waited for her boyfriend of six years to pop the question.
November 20, 2014 – The news that homicidal conspirator and 80-year-old lifetime prisoner Charles Manson has sought a marriage license with loyal 26-year-old follower “Star” Burton, which broke Tuesday, has proven to be the final straw for 27-year-old Bedford resident Betsy Howell, who has until now patiently waited for her boyfriend of six years to pop the question.
Local Man Worried Neighbors Will Judge Him for Putting Up Pan American Aviation Day Decorations Early
November 14, 2014 – Wary but adamant about his love of the observance day that takes place on December 17th, Astoria man Gavin Toteburg has gone ahead with his plan to begin hanging Pan American Aviation Day decorations outside his home, despite concerns that neighbors may consider it far too early in the season for such an ostentatious display.
November 14, 2014 – Wary but adamant about his love of the observance day that takes place on December 17th, Astoria man Gavin Toteburg has gone ahead with his plan to begin hanging Pan American Aviation Day decorations outside his home, despite concerns that neighbors may consider it far too early in the season for such an ostentatious display.
Local Man Questions Nutrition of the Seven Big Macs He Just Devoured
November 7, 2014 – Following a much-anticipated stop at his oft-visited neighborhood McDonald's on Saturday, Jerome Tucker, 26, of Harlem, New York became wary that the Big Mac, of which he had already eaten six, may be largely devoid of nutrients and may, in fact, be detrimental to his overall health. This revelation led Tucker to place his entire meal, which also consisted of large fries and a 10-piece McNuggets with sweet & sour sauce, under increased mental scrutiny.
November 7, 2014 – Following a much-anticipated stop at his oft-visited neighborhood McDonald's on Saturday, Jerome Tucker, 26, of Harlem, New York became wary that the Big Mac, of which he had already eaten six, may be largely devoid of nutrients and may, in fact, be detrimental to his overall health. This revelation led Tucker to place his entire meal, which also consisted of large fries and a 10-piece McNuggets with sweet & sour sauce, under increased mental scrutiny.
Man Walking with Hidden Camera through Williamsburg Reveals Disturbing Lack of Regard for His Handlebar Mustache
October 29, 2014 – Deciding it would make a good experiment for his Tumblr blog, local hipster Duke Holden walked the streets of Williamsburg, Brooklyn for eight hours while sporting a hidden camera, to see how the people he crossed paths with would acknowledge him. What the video proves, much to the detriment of society, is that there is a disturbing lack of regard for the effort this young adult man put into his hip appearance, particularly his properly waxed handlebar mustache.
October 29, 2014 – Deciding it would make a good experiment for his Tumblr blog, local hipster Duke Holden walked the streets of Williamsburg, Brooklyn for eight hours while sporting a hidden camera, to see how the people he crossed paths with would acknowledge him. What the video proves, much to the detriment of society, is that there is a disturbing lack of regard for the effort this young adult man put into his hip appearance, particularly his properly waxed handlebar mustache.
Times Square Turf Wars Escalate After Muppets Seize Control of Superhero Street Corners
October 22, 2014 – The tension in the underground world of organized mascoting hit a potential boiling point Wednesday, when Sesame Street agents Elmo and Cookie Monster effectively assumed control of the corner of 44th & Broadway, in front of Toys R Us, away from the Avengers. Anonymous sources from inside both organizations suggest that by Friday, the battle for frolicking and begging turf in Times Square may escalate into all-out war.
October 22, 2014 – The tension in the underground world of organized mascoting hit a potential boiling point Wednesday, when Sesame Street agents Elmo and Cookie Monster effectively assumed control of the corner of 44th & Broadway, in front of Toys R Us, away from the Avengers. Anonymous sources from inside both organizations suggest that by Friday, the battle for frolicking and begging turf in Times Square may escalate into all-out war.
Minor Zombie Apocalypse in Queens Goes Largely Unnoticed by Rest of the City
October 8, 2014 – A minor outbreak of a virus which reanimated the dead to roam the Earth seeking human flesh for consumption, an event that took place in Queens, New York from October 4th to the 8th and resulted in over 200,000 casualties, went largely unnoticed by the residents of Manhattan or Brooklyn, who rarely travel there for any reason.
October 8, 2014 – A minor outbreak of a virus which reanimated the dead to roam the Earth seeking human flesh for consumption, an event that took place in Queens, New York from October 4th to the 8th and resulted in over 200,000 casualties, went largely unnoticed by the residents of Manhattan or Brooklyn, who rarely travel there for any reason.
Fall Tourists Head to New York to Watch the Starbucks Change
September 24, 2014 – With summer at an end and fall rolling around the corner, families across the United States are uprooting one last time to see the beautiful, colorful changes of the season. While many favor picturesque locales such as Vermont or Colorado to see the changing of the leaves, ardent tourists opt to visit New York to witness the mesmerizing changing of the Starbucks, at any one of its 200-plus Manhattan locations.
September 24, 2014 – With summer at an end and fall rolling around the corner, families across the United States are uprooting one last time to see the beautiful, colorful changes of the season. While many favor picturesque locales such as Vermont or Colorado to see the changing of the leaves, ardent tourists opt to visit New York to witness the mesmerizing changing of the Starbucks, at any one of its 200-plus Manhattan locations.
Times Square Steps Up Anti-Terror Security to Vigilantly Defend Our Sacred, Shameless Crap
September 18, 2014 – With detailed threats made by the terrorist group ISIS against midtown Manhattan and other major city centers, police and federal officers are doubling down on security in all of these key locales. In the case of Times Square, the major focus of the group's social media attention, NYPD Commissioner William Bratton has stepped up, assuring residents and visitors that law enforcement would do everything in their power to safeguard the trash-covered streets, unlicensed entertainers, and tacky billboards which stand as symbols of everlasting freedom in our great nation.
September 18, 2014 – With detailed threats made by the terrorist group ISIS against midtown Manhattan and other major city centers, police and federal officers are doubling down on security in all of these key locales. In the case of Times Square, the major focus of the group's social media attention, NYPD Commissioner William Bratton has stepped up, assuring residents and visitors that law enforcement would do everything in their power to safeguard the trash-covered streets, unlicensed entertainers, and tacky billboards which stand as symbols of everlasting freedom in our great nation.
De Blasio Finds Hidden Room Where Giuliani Stashed All the Crackheads and Prostitutes
September 12, 2014 – While traversing Gracie Mansion early Friday morning for a pre-breakfast snack, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio came across a room he had not yet entered and heard muffled sounds within. Upon opening the door, he discovered that it contained all of the drug addicts, pushers and prostitutes of Times Square's fabled past century, having been captured and locked away by former mayor Rudy Giuliani.
September 12, 2014 – While traversing Gracie Mansion early Friday morning for a pre-breakfast snack, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio came across a room he had not yet entered and heard muffled sounds within. Upon opening the door, he discovered that it contained all of the drug addicts, pushers and prostitutes of Times Square's fabled past century, having been captured and locked away by former mayor Rudy Giuliani.
City Too Crowded, Says Willful Resident
September 5, 2014 – Due to an influx of foreign immigrants and young Americans, combined with a low mortality rate as compared to the rising birth rate, New York City has seen its third straight year of population growth. This means more crowds, longer lines, and more stress on the subway system, which has caused one resident, Kendra Oates of the Lower East Side, to openly wish that more people would leave this bloated city where she has taken up willful residence for nine consecutive years.
September 5, 2014 – Due to an influx of foreign immigrants and young Americans, combined with a low mortality rate as compared to the rising birth rate, New York City has seen its third straight year of population growth. This means more crowds, longer lines, and more stress on the subway system, which has caused one resident, Kendra Oates of the Lower East Side, to openly wish that more people would leave this bloated city where she has taken up willful residence for nine consecutive years.
Subway-Riding Bedbugs Aggravated by Unannounced Construction Delays on N Line
August 13, 2014 – Recent polls which show New Yorkers as being the most unhappy humans in the country have cited commuting issues with the MTA as an overwhelming source of frustration. Now it would seem that other species have joined the angry train, as the family of bedbugs recently discovered to be infesting N line subway cars have stated to the press that they're fed up with the unexpected delays caused by unannounced construction on their commute between Brooklyn and Queens, particularly on the weekends.
August 13, 2014 – Recent polls which show New Yorkers as being the most unhappy humans in the country have cited commuting issues with the MTA as an overwhelming source of frustration. Now it would seem that other species have joined the angry train, as the family of bedbugs recently discovered to be infesting N line subway cars have stated to the press that they're fed up with the unexpected delays caused by unannounced construction on their commute between Brooklyn and Queens, particularly on the weekends.
Revolutionary New NYPD Training Program Encourages Officers to Not Commit Felonies
August 4, 2014 – The choking death of Eric Garner on July 17, since ruled a homicide, is just one of a large series of complaints against and protocol violations by New York officers in the last five years, proving to department heads that drastic measures must be taken. In response, senior officers and legal collaborators have devised a bold new training program for the NYPD which discourages cops, if at all possible, from committing the crimes they are typically supposed to combat.
August 4, 2014 – The choking death of Eric Garner on July 17, since ruled a homicide, is just one of a large series of complaints against and protocol violations by New York officers in the last five years, proving to department heads that drastic measures must be taken. In response, senior officers and legal collaborators have devised a bold new training program for the NYPD which discourages cops, if at all possible, from committing the crimes they are typically supposed to combat.
Mommy Wars Escalate: Working Ground Troops Advance into Bushwick
July 30, 2014 – The Mommy Wars, a battle for maternal moral high ground which has raged since the mid-80s, has seen a recent explosion of conflict in the Brooklyn region, culminating with Wednesday's news of working mom ground troops crossing the border into Bushwick. Early reports suggest that, despite their greater resources, ground troops are facing heavy stay-at-home resistance.
July 30, 2014 – The Mommy Wars, a battle for maternal moral high ground which has raged since the mid-80s, has seen a recent explosion of conflict in the Brooklyn region, culminating with Wednesday's news of working mom ground troops crossing the border into Bushwick. Early reports suggest that, despite their greater resources, ground troops are facing heavy stay-at-home resistance.
New NYU Class Taught by James Franco Provides Insider Perspective on Sex with James Franco
July 22, 2014 - When considering what classes to take and the trajectory of one's career after graduation, picking the right subjects is almost as stressful as wondering if the skills you learn in college will be applicable in the real world. The desire for a firsthand perspective is what is driving students en masse to join Professor James Franco's new class at New York University, Sex with James Franco 101.
July 22, 2014 - When considering what classes to take and the trajectory of one's career after graduation, picking the right subjects is almost as stressful as wondering if the skills you learn in college will be applicable in the real world. The desire for a firsthand perspective is what is driving students en masse to join Professor James Franco's new class at New York University, Sex with James Franco 101.
Times Square Bus Tour Showcases City's Most Impressive Traffic Jams
July 18, 2014 - With so little time to explore, tourists visiting the city often struggle with what sights to see first. Thankfully, there is a new line provided by the Safeway Tours company that is quintessentially New York: a guide to midtown's infamous immovable traffic.
July 18, 2014 - With so little time to explore, tourists visiting the city often struggle with what sights to see first. Thankfully, there is a new line provided by the Safeway Tours company that is quintessentially New York: a guide to midtown's infamous immovable traffic.
Pie Face Docked Five Points on Health Inspection due to 'Sweeney Todd' Infraction
July 15, 2014 - Despite their thoroughly sanitary facilities and a work staff well versed in proper food preparation, the Pie Face restaurant at 53rd & Broadway was penalized by the visiting health inspector for what is referred to as the 'Sweeney Todd' infraction, which specifically forbids serving the slain victims of a crazed barber up as pies, and is worth five points.
July 15, 2014 - Despite their thoroughly sanitary facilities and a work staff well versed in proper food preparation, the Pie Face restaurant at 53rd & Broadway was penalized by the visiting health inspector for what is referred to as the 'Sweeney Todd' infraction, which specifically forbids serving the slain victims of a crazed barber up as pies, and is worth five points.
Mother Explains Free Market Economics to Crying Child in Front of Closed Cupcake Shop
July 10, 2014 - Late Thursday afternoon, Maribel Robbins arrived at the Crumbs Bake Shop in Union Square with her son Bryce, age 7, only to discover that the shop was closed, along with all 48 other Crumbs locations nationwide. With her boy on the verge of a veritable deluge of tears, Robbins sought to soothe the upset child by calmly explaining the harsh realities of the stock market, and the plentiful hazards of public trading.
July 10, 2014 - Late Thursday afternoon, Maribel Robbins arrived at the Crumbs Bake Shop in Union Square with her son Bryce, age 7, only to discover that the shop was closed, along with all 48 other Crumbs locations nationwide. With her boy on the verge of a veritable deluge of tears, Robbins sought to soothe the upset child by calmly explaining the harsh realities of the stock market, and the plentiful hazards of public trading.
NYPD Introduces 11-Foot Tall Enforcement Droid as Newest Times Square Attraction
July 8, 2014 - The New York Police Department has provided the newest attraction for Manhattan's storied center of commerce: A fully automated peacekeeping enforcement droid. The move comes as an attempt to enhance relations between the New York City police and the citizens they protect.
July 8, 2014 - The New York Police Department has provided the newest attraction for Manhattan's storied center of commerce: A fully automated peacekeeping enforcement droid. The move comes as an attempt to enhance relations between the New York City police and the citizens they protect.
Man Insists He Purchased Hot Dog for Two Dollars from Vendor Down the Street
July 4, 2014 - When Raymond Kickery, a 28-year-old produce manager from Kent County, Rhode Island, purchased a hot dog from a vendor on 44th & 8th in New York City, the traveler was shocked to learn that, despite being absolutely certain he had paid only two dollars for a hot dog in the past, this one was going to cost him three.
July 4, 2014 - When Raymond Kickery, a 28-year-old produce manager from Kent County, Rhode Island, purchased a hot dog from a vendor on 44th & 8th in New York City, the traveler was shocked to learn that, despite being absolutely certain he had paid only two dollars for a hot dog in the past, this one was going to cost him three.
Heroic NYPD Officer Pursues Knaves on Horseback, Rescues Fair Maiden
July 2, 2014 - Hear ye o hear ye, humble citizens of Manhattan, for a tale of unbridled heroism did transpire this fair morn, neath the pale light of the M&M Store. At approximately 9:40 AM this balmy Wednesday, a courageous chase down 7th Avenue did occur, which culminated in one of New York's finest mounted officers apprehending a group of ne'er-do-wells, and setting free the fairest maiden in all the land.
July 2, 2014 - Hear ye o hear ye, humble citizens of Manhattan, for a tale of unbridled heroism did transpire this fair morn, neath the pale light of the M&M Store. At approximately 9:40 AM this balmy Wednesday, a courageous chase down 7th Avenue did occur, which culminated in one of New York's finest mounted officers apprehending a group of ne'er-do-wells, and setting free the fairest maiden in all the land.
Crying Baby Lacks Perspective, Agree C Train Passengers
June 24, 2014 - Commuters on the Washington Heights-bound C train at 7:15 PM were asked to weigh in about the baby loudly sobbing in the middle of the train car, and the overwhelming consensus is that the infant should be far happier with its lot in life than its actions express.
June 24, 2014 - Commuters on the Washington Heights-bound C train at 7:15 PM were asked to weigh in about the baby loudly sobbing in the middle of the train car, and the overwhelming consensus is that the infant should be far happier with its lot in life than its actions express.
Tourist in Midtown Beginning to Wonder if CD is Actually Free
May 27, 2014 - Marisa Taylor, an Australian tourist outside the M&M store in midtown Manhattan, having recently been offered a free compact disk containing amateur hip-hop music, is becoming increasingly suspicious that the man offering the CD may request some form of compensation.
May 27, 2014 - Marisa Taylor, an Australian tourist outside the M&M store in midtown Manhattan, having recently been offered a free compact disk containing amateur hip-hop music, is becoming increasingly suspicious that the man offering the CD may request some form of compensation.