EA to Tailor Future Video Games to Exact Specifications of Fanbase's Most Committed Psychopaths
Photo courtesy of University Express
May 31, 2016 – Electronic Arts, one of the world's largest video game development and retail companies, recently stepped into the spotlight to assure its increasingly rabid online fanbase that all future EA properties would be designed to fit the precise vision of their most beloved, most vitriolic, and most threatening gamers.
“There's been a lot of pushback in the media recently against passionate online voices who only want to see the things they love done right, or else they'll kill you,” Chief Marketing Officer Chris Bruzzo told the press. “Well here at EA, we live by the maxim (or as we say, Maxis) that the customer is always right, and the more sincerely you threaten violence, the more right you are.
“Therefore, we will be launching an initiative to crowdsource ideas for all our games, from Madden to Mass Effect to The Sims, using online media such as reddit or Twitter. But remember, calculated, constructive responses to developer ideas aren't gonna get the job done. Only the most tasteless and irrational comments and threats will be catered to going forward.”
Among the ideas that EA has already gleaned from the general sentiment of online murder rants is that gamers want more of the same: lightsaber fighting, Caucasian male leads, and depth of player experience that can help fans escape from their real miserable lives, and if they don't get it, somebody's gonna die.
Other flared-up online voices say they'd like to see more diversity in gaming, such as minority avatars and female characters who aren't terrible, but the more passionate voices have made clear that if they see anything like that, somebody's gonna die.
“It doesn't matter where you're coming from,” said EVP of Global Publishing Laura Miele, “be it a desire for gaming to catch up with the 21st century, or a desire to satisfy your base need for entertainment that validates your limited worldview. All ideas are welcome in this initiative, so long as those ideas carry with them the sincerest sense of mortal danger for the developers, their associates, their families and their pets.
“Rest assured, not only will said developers be brought to heel in the face of your well-intentioned digital abuse, but you the gamer can also feel safe in the knowledge that nobody cares enough to follow up on even the most detailed and earnest of homicidal declarations. So while we continue to adjust our business model, you can go about your meaningful lives free from consequence.”
Not to be outdone, Marvel Comics has announced a contest: whosoever makes their current writing staff feel the most unsafe with their rant against new storylines will have their personal fanfiction published on their website, complete with ad revenue and a comments section.
“There's been a lot of pushback in the media recently against passionate online voices who only want to see the things they love done right, or else they'll kill you,” Chief Marketing Officer Chris Bruzzo told the press. “Well here at EA, we live by the maxim (or as we say, Maxis) that the customer is always right, and the more sincerely you threaten violence, the more right you are.
“Therefore, we will be launching an initiative to crowdsource ideas for all our games, from Madden to Mass Effect to The Sims, using online media such as reddit or Twitter. But remember, calculated, constructive responses to developer ideas aren't gonna get the job done. Only the most tasteless and irrational comments and threats will be catered to going forward.”
Among the ideas that EA has already gleaned from the general sentiment of online murder rants is that gamers want more of the same: lightsaber fighting, Caucasian male leads, and depth of player experience that can help fans escape from their real miserable lives, and if they don't get it, somebody's gonna die.
Other flared-up online voices say they'd like to see more diversity in gaming, such as minority avatars and female characters who aren't terrible, but the more passionate voices have made clear that if they see anything like that, somebody's gonna die.
“It doesn't matter where you're coming from,” said EVP of Global Publishing Laura Miele, “be it a desire for gaming to catch up with the 21st century, or a desire to satisfy your base need for entertainment that validates your limited worldview. All ideas are welcome in this initiative, so long as those ideas carry with them the sincerest sense of mortal danger for the developers, their associates, their families and their pets.
“Rest assured, not only will said developers be brought to heel in the face of your well-intentioned digital abuse, but you the gamer can also feel safe in the knowledge that nobody cares enough to follow up on even the most detailed and earnest of homicidal declarations. So while we continue to adjust our business model, you can go about your meaningful lives free from consequence.”
Not to be outdone, Marvel Comics has announced a contest: whosoever makes their current writing staff feel the most unsafe with their rant against new storylines will have their personal fanfiction published on their website, complete with ad revenue and a comments section.