Mr. Potter, Yosemite Sam and Ogre Among the Remaining RNC Speakers
July 19, 2016 – Following a show-stopping rally cry by Rudy Giuliani, and a unique and creative speech about morals by Melania Trump as part of Monday's theme of “Make America Safe Again,” the Republican National Convention is picking up Tuesday where it left off.
Here is the full list of remaining speakers and events through Thursday:
Tuesday: Make America Work Again
- Reince Preibus commences the day with a fun game of anagrams
Jesse James
The Monster Garage host introduces a five-point plan to eliminate unemployment by turning all American vehicles into monster trucks
- Tila Tequila sings the National Anthem to the tune of “I Fucked the DJ”
Chris Christie
The governor of New Jersey smiles, congratulates Mike Pence, does not burst into tears or else
- Video about Benghazi
Rush Limbaugh
The conservative radio host laments America's struggling prescription drug industry, advocates a “Trumpcare” health initiative that includes free Oxycontin for all Americans
A Hispanic Person
To be determined
- Musical performance by Ted Nugent that is actually just him shooting a cat with an AR-15
Ben Carson
The former candidate and celebrated brilliant neurosurgeon gives a dissertation on why Obamacare is actually worse than slavery and the Holocaust put together
Henry F. Potter
The renowned businessman and keynote speaker espouses the danger of handouts to losers like George Bailey, assures crowd he sides with them in the War on Christmas
- Speaker Paul Ryan thanks everyone for coming, sighs, reiterates his support for Trump and tells attendees not to talk to the press on their way out
Wednesday: Make America First Again
- Reince Preibus selects the day's first speaker by tossing a coin in the air and seeing who shoots it first
Grizzled Pete
The mysterious drifter and convention attendee rails against “immigants” and “he-shes” and “parasites,” both the government moochers and the ones residing in his unkempt beard
- Hulk Hogan and Lou Ferrigno wrestle, allowing the audience to maintain their grip on reality
Sheriff Joe Arpaio
The celebrated Arizona lawman makes an impassioned call for racial harmony, for official accountability, and for sensible gun laws to help make safe our just kidding, the same old shit about illegals
Yosemite Sam
The celebrated Texas lawman reiterates most of what Arpaio said, but with more “yee-haws” and reckless pistol shots into the ceiling
- Stephen Baldwin enters from backstage, gets confused for an Alec Baldwin that got shrunk in the wash, booed offstage
Ted Cruz
The Texas Senator and former candidate clarifies once and for all that his father was the Zodiac killer and that he was actually the one who killed JFK as a baby
A Gay Person
To be determined
- Video about Benghazi
Scott Walker
The Wisconsin governor advocates replacing the TPP with a new Pacific plan known as “Gimme All the Stuff”
Mike Pence
The Indiana Governor and Trump's VP pick touts the need for a small government that doesn't involve itself in citizens' affairs, except in the case of preventing rape victims from receiving abortions and stationing armed guards at restrooms to redirect people on where to take a dump
- Speaker Paul Ryan thanks everyone for coming while withholding vomit and asks politely for everyone to refrain from shooting anybody in the parking lot on the way back to their cars
Thursday: Make America One Again
- Reince Preibus steps out, shrugs, says “I guess this is the end”
Ogre J. Trump
The renowned college athlete and nephew of the Donald recites eloquent, long-winded treatise on the “NERDS!” in the Democratic party
- Video about Benghazi
Smeagol “Gollum” Wittington
The cartoonish personification of crippling greed espouses the virtues of Ayn Rand's objectivist philosophy, asks if anyone happened to have found “The Precious” in the men's bathroom
A Black Person
To be determined
- Trump's children and grandchildren are trotted out to symbolize how America can, like a family, unify around the common ideal of wanting to be treated like medieval royalty without earning it
Donald J. Trump
The presidential nominee and man of the hour gives a speech that American history will come to know as the “We Had a Good Run Address”
- Paul Ryan steps out, hangs a noose around his neck, waves everyone out of the convention center without saying a word
Here is the full list of remaining speakers and events through Thursday:
Tuesday: Make America Work Again
- Reince Preibus commences the day with a fun game of anagrams
Jesse James
The Monster Garage host introduces a five-point plan to eliminate unemployment by turning all American vehicles into monster trucks
- Tila Tequila sings the National Anthem to the tune of “I Fucked the DJ”
Chris Christie
The governor of New Jersey smiles, congratulates Mike Pence, does not burst into tears or else
- Video about Benghazi
Rush Limbaugh
The conservative radio host laments America's struggling prescription drug industry, advocates a “Trumpcare” health initiative that includes free Oxycontin for all Americans
A Hispanic Person
To be determined
- Musical performance by Ted Nugent that is actually just him shooting a cat with an AR-15
Ben Carson
The former candidate and celebrated brilliant neurosurgeon gives a dissertation on why Obamacare is actually worse than slavery and the Holocaust put together
Henry F. Potter
The renowned businessman and keynote speaker espouses the danger of handouts to losers like George Bailey, assures crowd he sides with them in the War on Christmas
- Speaker Paul Ryan thanks everyone for coming, sighs, reiterates his support for Trump and tells attendees not to talk to the press on their way out
Wednesday: Make America First Again
- Reince Preibus selects the day's first speaker by tossing a coin in the air and seeing who shoots it first
Grizzled Pete
The mysterious drifter and convention attendee rails against “immigants” and “he-shes” and “parasites,” both the government moochers and the ones residing in his unkempt beard
- Hulk Hogan and Lou Ferrigno wrestle, allowing the audience to maintain their grip on reality
Sheriff Joe Arpaio
The celebrated Arizona lawman makes an impassioned call for racial harmony, for official accountability, and for sensible gun laws to help make safe our just kidding, the same old shit about illegals
Yosemite Sam
The celebrated Texas lawman reiterates most of what Arpaio said, but with more “yee-haws” and reckless pistol shots into the ceiling
- Stephen Baldwin enters from backstage, gets confused for an Alec Baldwin that got shrunk in the wash, booed offstage
Ted Cruz
The Texas Senator and former candidate clarifies once and for all that his father was the Zodiac killer and that he was actually the one who killed JFK as a baby
A Gay Person
To be determined
- Video about Benghazi
Scott Walker
The Wisconsin governor advocates replacing the TPP with a new Pacific plan known as “Gimme All the Stuff”
Mike Pence
The Indiana Governor and Trump's VP pick touts the need for a small government that doesn't involve itself in citizens' affairs, except in the case of preventing rape victims from receiving abortions and stationing armed guards at restrooms to redirect people on where to take a dump
- Speaker Paul Ryan thanks everyone for coming while withholding vomit and asks politely for everyone to refrain from shooting anybody in the parking lot on the way back to their cars
Thursday: Make America One Again
- Reince Preibus steps out, shrugs, says “I guess this is the end”
Ogre J. Trump
The renowned college athlete and nephew of the Donald recites eloquent, long-winded treatise on the “NERDS!” in the Democratic party
- Video about Benghazi
Smeagol “Gollum” Wittington
The cartoonish personification of crippling greed espouses the virtues of Ayn Rand's objectivist philosophy, asks if anyone happened to have found “The Precious” in the men's bathroom
A Black Person
To be determined
- Trump's children and grandchildren are trotted out to symbolize how America can, like a family, unify around the common ideal of wanting to be treated like medieval royalty without earning it
Donald J. Trump
The presidential nominee and man of the hour gives a speech that American history will come to know as the “We Had a Good Run Address”
- Paul Ryan steps out, hangs a noose around his neck, waves everyone out of the convention center without saying a word